Wednesday, September 27, 2006

No self control

I am not happy this morning. Mad at myself, I have absolutely zero self control. zero. Went out last night, wasn't going to go, and somehow, I found myself out, doing what i swore I wouldn't. H says to me in the middle of the evening (when he was at least still talking to me) "I think you have a gambling problem". You think? What on earth ever made you think that? I am surprised that you are so on top of things to recognize that. Shit. I lost, not as much as I could have, but I lost. As usual. And while that upsets me, because as I have already stated here, I don't have it to lose, but because I WASN'T GOING TO GO. There is nothing on earth I would rather do than gamble. And I had decided that I wasn't going to do it for a while-a long while. I cannot continue to act this way. I am smarter than this. Damn. And of course, H is not happy with me, supposedly because I kept him out too late, 1:30, but he's up that late every night, so I don't really believe his reason for being mad, more than likely, it's because we went at all, and then I wouldn't leave until I had to. I don't need him to be mad at me, I am mad enough for the both of us, it doesn't help. I also don't really blame him, but I hate fighting with him. I told him I was sorry, I don't know what else to say. Shit.

I didn't really hear from D yesterday, only in the AM, after she got the keys to her new place, she was okay and on her way to work. I tried to call her later, but I got no answer. No news is good news? After all the crisis' and the drama, it' strange not to hear. I am going to her old house to pack up today, no work for me (at least not at the jobs) today. I expect a rough day, not really looking forward to it. I just don't want any scenes. I have never been around or involved in a separation or divorce without scenes. She says they have had few, that all things have been split in their minds already and they both know who gets what. I hope that is true, but like with many things I will have to see it to believe it. I love him, but the mother cat comes out in me very quickly, and then there is no question who belongs to whom.

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