Saturday, September 30, 2006

A Good Girl

I was a good girl last night. I didn't go anywhere, or do anything i shouldn't. It sucked. Completely. All my life, Friday nights have been the nights that you go out and let off steam from a hard week at work. Except when my kids were little, then we did things together---but we still did something special. I cannot find my new Friday night groove, and place that i can go and make it feel special, like I am doing something that i really want to do, and that a rough week is now over and I can let go a little. Other than the casino, and as I have established, I can't go there very much anymore. I know it doesn't even make good sense to go there frequently, normal people cannot go there every few days and throw away that much money. But I love it. More than anything I can ever think of doing. It's a place where you can go and be around a HUGE crowd, people everywhere, but not one of them wants to talk, no one gives a shit who you are or where you're from, no one expects anything from me. Drinking is a big part of it, but going into the local bar isn't the same, you are required to talk there, to be with someone that you want to have a conversation with, along with general conversation with others. At the casino, I go with H, and then I don't see him for sometimes many hours. It's wonderful. After I have worked all week, the very last thing that i want to do is be social. In fact, I never want to be social. I am paid well to talk and be civil and helpful to the general population daily. At work, I am the boss and I feel a certain level or responsibility to somewhat know the people that work for me, I try to be as friendly and congenial as possible there, I try to care about their lives. Again, I feel I am paid to do so. It is never my idea of a good time, however. I hate smalltalk, I really hate talk in general. While I really do care about most of the people that i work with, it is a struggle to chat with them all the time. There are very few in my life that I want to converse with, my kids, a few members of my family, my H at times. For the most part, people in general are not worth my time, they will take every opportunity to shit on you, and i found really early in life to just leave them alone. So now, you see the problem. Where can you go and be "out" among people, and not have to interact with them? I despise shopping, eating out is okay, but not worth the travel required from where I live, nor the wait that is usually involved, and food isn't really my thing. Good food, crappy food, either way, it works for me. No that I had any choice in the matter last night---we came home, I sat down to pay the bills, changed my clothes and about that time, H wanted to know what i wanted to do for the evening. I told him I didn't give a shit what he did, but I did appreciate his timing in asking. I had been home for nearly an hour, and he did not say one word about doing anything. After I told him this week that we had to find a substitute for the regular Friday night activity. Pretty much a giant fuck you to him. And so that was my evening.

Today is the official moving day for D---it will all be finished by this evening. I will be happy to have it over, as I'm sure she will, but i worry about her after we are through, and we get ready to go. I think this will be a hard day for her. Even though this is her choice, reality will sink in when we close the door to leave. I worry that she will be sad, i don't want her to be, I don't want her heart to hurt. Tony Stewart is running at a nearby racetrack tonight, I thought that we would go if we get finished in time, I think she is planning to go also, but she will still have to go home and be alone for the first night. I think that will be the hardest. I really think she is well suited to live alone, some are--some aren't, but i think she will do okay. Eventually. Well, I hope that this day goes okay, and that I can improve my mood---and my bruised relationship with H. If not, what the hell, then I won't have to talk to him, either.

No comments: