Who I AM. Or was.

Another chapter begins today. I would love to say that I am excited about it, but so far, not so much. I seriously believe that this new job will be the right one for me, but after my last fiasco, I am afraid to trust my instincts. I have not been that far off on anything in my whole gazillion years of living, and it leaves me afraid of being wrong again. I have faith in myself and being able to sell again, that part I don't worry about, but I literally have zero idea of what kind of company this is, I chose them strictly on their pay structure, thinking that if I were going to sell INSURANCE again, (ugh), then I was damned well going to get paid for it. Because this company does pay the way they do, it is a make-or-break situation, and that can be very difficult. The problem is never the selling part, the problem is always HOW do I get in front the the buyer? And they leave alot of that up to us, the agent. So, I will have to become crafty again, networking in everything I do. It honestly is second nature to me, although these past fifteen years or so, it has been done for the sale of a vehicle, which is hard enough on it's own to sell, but to sell a thing that make people face their own mortality-to sell such a gloom-and-doom intangible product is a battle like no other. I was successful the last time I did this, and I was young, and not so diligent in anything in my life, not the way I am now. I have to believe in what I am selling, and that ---right there --- is why I am questioning my decision this morning. But I will know soon enough. This training lasts today through Thursday, so by then, I'll know what the scoop is. I know that others that work there are very successful. There is no reason why that can't be me. Those things I DO know. The other part of this equation that I have to question, is my own health and how I will manage. Ironically, the last time I worked in the insurance industry was when I got sick for the first time in my life, and while I was struggling along, trying like hell in spite of what was then an extremely frightening deterioration of my health and my body, my poor health finally did win out. I went on disability for the next five years. At that time, it was decided that I had lupus, after two years of hell and being told I was crazy by more than one doctor. Back then, it seemed a death sentence, my children were still very young and the mere idea of any illness was a sure sign that I would die. It didn't take me long to understand that it wouldn't kill me, but it would make the years on this earth less enjoyable, less tolerable, and make me want to die way more than a few times. At that time, I obviously believed in what I sold, and I bought every thing we had, personally. Thank God I did, that is what kept us from financial ruin for the next years, collecting on the long term disability policy---and the eventual social security that I finally won. In these past years since, it is said that I have lupus, I don't have lupus. It depends completely on which doctor I see. Recently, it is only said that I have degenerative disc disease, along with other neurological maladies, which come and go at their own will. I don't care what they say it is, IT IS WHAT IT IS, and that's all that matters. It gets in the way of my life, and that gets me down, frequently. However, I am forty-eight years old, and I don't know how that would feel---if I were not left to deal with this bullshit my body dishes out, you know? That alone, that age tag hanging off the back of my neck,(like a price tag-HA!) has to make us feel bad all on it's own. So, I keep plugging away, pushing it all to the back of my mind, trying to overcome the pain, the problems, the severity of it all on some days. These days, the medical field wavers from one opinion to another and most recently, they cannot decide if my real problem is MS....again, call it what you want. Just call it away----from me. In the meantime, I will grit my teeth a while longer and smile while I secretly fear that I am going to crumple right in front of you from the sheer power of the pain. In all my years of living, there has never been a problem that I cannot overcome, work through and win. Until this last go around with the job. I have to admit, that has set me back a mile or two. I am a matter of fact, mind over matter person. If you want it, just do it. JUST DO IT. Make it happen. And do it now, rather than later. These traits in ME are the hardest on ME. Much to the dismay of those that I love, I also expect the same from THEM. No excuses. JUST EFF'IN DO IT. Stop whining, start living. So, the past job fiasco was a humbling experience. I keep saying to myself "you just didn't TRY hard enough". And yet, I know I did. No matter how you look at it, I GAVE IN. A first for me, and a thing I am truly dealing with. Other than my bad habit of smoking, I have met a battle that I have lost. And that hurts, alot.

I do apologize - the above came out of nowhere. I certainly did not sit down here this morning to whine about my pain and problems. But reading what I just wrote, I don't believe I have ever captured myself in such a way. It honestly is what I am.

My day yesterday was wonderful. I had a house full of family and friends. I made a decent dinner, and everyone enjoyed. My youngest and gf could not be here, and they were missed.

I wish a wonderful Monday to each of you. :)