Monday, June 30, 2008

Who I AM. Or was.

Another chapter begins today. I would love to say that I am excited about it, but so far, not so much. I seriously believe that this new job will be the right one for me, but after my last fiasco, I am afraid to trust my instincts. I have not been that far off on anything in my whole gazillion years of living, and it leaves me afraid of being wrong again. I have faith in myself and being able to sell again, that part I don't worry about, but I literally have zero idea of what kind of company this is, I chose them strictly on their pay structure, thinking that if I were going to sell INSURANCE again, (ugh), then I was damned well going to get paid for it. Because this company does pay the way they do, it is a make-or-break situation, and that can be very difficult. The problem is never the selling part, the problem is always HOW do I get in front the the buyer? And they leave alot of that up to us, the agent. So, I will have to become crafty again, networking in everything I do. It honestly is second nature to me, although these past fifteen years or so, it has been done for the sale of a vehicle, which is hard enough on it's own to sell, but to sell a thing that make people face their own mortality-to sell such a gloom-and-doom intangible product is a battle like no other. I was successful the last time I did this, and I was young, and not so diligent in anything in my life, not the way I am now. I have to believe in what I am selling, and that ---right there --- is why I am questioning my decision this morning. But I will know soon enough. This training lasts today through Thursday, so by then, I'll know what the scoop is. I know that others that work there are very successful. There is no reason why that can't be me. Those things I DO know. The other part of this equation that I have to question, is my own health and how I will manage. Ironically, the last time I worked in the insurance industry was when I got sick for the first time in my life, and while I was struggling along, trying like hell in spite of what was then an extremely frightening deterioration of my health and my body, my poor health finally did win out. I went on disability for the next five years. At that time, it was decided that I had lupus, after two years of hell and being told I was crazy by more than one doctor. Back then, it seemed a death sentence, my children were still very young and the mere idea of any illness was a sure sign that I would die. It didn't take me long to understand that it wouldn't kill me, but it would make the years on this earth less enjoyable, less tolerable, and make me want to die way more than a few times. At that time, I obviously believed in what I sold, and I bought every thing we had, personally. Thank God I did, that is what kept us from financial ruin for the next years, collecting on the long term disability policy---and the eventual social security that I finally won. In these past years since, it is said that I have lupus, I don't have lupus. It depends completely on which doctor I see. Recently, it is only said that I have degenerative disc disease, along with other neurological maladies, which come and go at their own will. I don't care what they say it is, IT IS WHAT IT IS, and that's all that matters. It gets in the way of my life, and that gets me down, frequently. However, I am forty-eight years old, and I don't know how that would feel---if I were not left to deal with this bullshit my body dishes out, you know? That alone, that age tag hanging off the back of my neck,(like a price tag-HA!) has to make us feel bad all on it's own. So, I keep plugging away, pushing it all to the back of my mind, trying to overcome the pain, the problems, the severity of it all on some days. These days, the medical field wavers from one opinion to another and most recently, they cannot decide if my real problem is MS....again, call it what you want. Just call it away----from me. In the meantime, I will grit my teeth a while longer and smile while I secretly fear that I am going to crumple right in front of you from the sheer power of the pain. In all my years of living, there has never been a problem that I cannot overcome, work through and win. Until this last go around with the job. I have to admit, that has set me back a mile or two. I am a matter of fact, mind over matter person. If you want it, just do it. JUST DO IT. Make it happen. And do it now, rather than later. These traits in ME are the hardest on ME. Much to the dismay of those that I love, I also expect the same from THEM. No excuses. JUST EFF'IN DO IT. Stop whining, start living. So, the past job fiasco was a humbling experience. I keep saying to myself "you just didn't TRY hard enough". And yet, I know I did. No matter how you look at it, I GAVE IN. A first for me, and a thing I am truly dealing with. Other than my bad habit of smoking, I have met a battle that I have lost. And that hurts, alot.

I do apologize - the above came out of nowhere. I certainly did not sit down here this morning to whine about my pain and problems. But reading what I just wrote, I don't believe I have ever captured myself in such a way. It honestly is what I am.

My day yesterday was wonderful. I had a house full of family and friends. I made a decent dinner, and everyone enjoyed. My youngest and gf could not be here, and they were missed.

I wish a wonderful Monday to each of you. :)


Smocha said...

A long time ago,before he was old enough to make ANY choices, one of my sons told me "you make bad choices."

I tried to explain to him "that when someone is a grown up, usually we are presented with one or two choices,in a situation.Not a million at a time. We make the BEST choice ,of sometimes purely crappy choices."

Then if we realize we've made the wrong choice for us. We go back to crappy choice number 2. :)

This is not making BAD choices .It's making good choices.

Having the sense to realize when the choice was wrong ...makes you a winner Jamie , not a quitter:)

Good luck today with crappy choice number 2! LOL

Hope it goes great for you.

SOUL: said...

good luck today--this week-- and full steam ahead--- you can do this.
"you are a tough ole broad " remember--

ac said...

You are not a quitter. You just chose to change the path you were going down... We all have to evaluate our choices sometimes and change directions if need be. I admire you for knowing that job wasn't right for you. I admire you for NOT persevering when you knew it wasn't right.

As for the health stuff... you deal with whatever comes your way with grace and dignity. I admire you for that too.

I just plain admire you! xo xo

Portia said...

I feel the same kind of trepidation about school since I got so excited about it and then it blew up in my that giddy excitement is gone but I still want to do it. I love the 'just do it' motto and am constantly telling myself that, especially with the more difficult things, like quitting smoking, (which hasn't worked out just yet...)..but it's also a very simple phrase, unlike just about everything we try to apply it to. So don't be too hard on yourself. After all, things are working out how they should (I hope!) - you now have a job more suited for you, and it will be like getting back on a bike you haven't ridden in a while. That's my hope anyway. That it's a good week for you:)

Cheryl said...

I appreciate your honesty. You are who you are and you deal with your challenges. For better or worse. And, you knew the last job was the wrong one and you did the RIGHT thing in quitting. The smart thing. I'm glad yesterday was wonderful. I hope your training goes well, and that this is the job for you. If not, cut your losses and try again. Don't stick with the wrong thing. No shame in that.

fiwa said...

Regarding your last job - there is no rule on the books that says you must be able to do everything. So what if that job was not right for you - that doesn't mean anything except that you were wise enough to realize it wasn't the right fit. And I for one am terrible about being able to correctly read a job and what it's about. But I also think that's because until you get down in the trenches, all you really have to go on is what they tell you in the interview, and that's second hand information that has been doctored up to look good.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be the right place for you, and it won't be too much strain on you.

As for you pain, I can't imagine what that must be like. You are such a strong woman.

PS - I like your Tarjee art.

ladybeams said...

Enjoyed the heck out of reading your blog. Good luck to you. I too have to keep telling myself "I can do this" and remembering my accomplishments in order to move forward.

Especially fun to find someone who enjoys most of my same bad habits.

May we both knock 'em dead with our new lives!

Brad said...

I hope you enjoy this new job but you know just like the last job, if it's not a good fit for you and you ned to move on that isn't a failure. We spend a third or more of life working. If you stay in a job that makes you unhappy (or worse, physically ill) THAT is a failure. Think good thoughts to ya sister-woman

Kelly Jene said...

I wish I was as strong as you. I admire you so much, for all the strength you show even after all you've been through. I sure hope this job turns out to be what you need it to be.

Btw, I've discovered in my research that degenerative disc disease (which I've been told that I have) is more of a cover all for docs who don't want to dig deeper to find out the root problem of pain. Nice, huh?

Gentle hugs and much love.

Josie Two Shoes said...

This is one of the most powerful snd direct posts you have ever written. You share not only who you are, but what drives you and what threatens you. Both your strengths and your weaknesses. And it is your profound self-awareness that makes me certain you will come thru this time intact. You are a survivor.

I agree with what the others have said here, you are not a quitter. Knowing that the first job attempt was not a good fit is a sign of wisdom, not failure. It wasn't right for you and you weren't right for it. I am praying that this new effort will prove much more suitable. If it is what God intends for you to do, he will give you the strength and the courage and the means to do it. You know that!

I hate the pain you must struggle with daily and endure. I hate that doctors really don't know all the answers. I pray for you daily and believe that somewhere in all of this God is in control and I know He loves you dearly. So do I!

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh Jaimie....I wish I could reach through this computer screen and give you a big hug. This post really hit me hard....I'm so sorry you've suffered so. You are one terrific woman, Jamie...your strength and character are something to behold. I am praying that things go better for you from this point on...and that this job is the right one and if its not...that you'll find the perfect one soon. It really makes me angry....they can put a man on the moon but they can't find a cure to so many diseases or a way to conquer pain. I guess the "right" person just hasn't gotten sick yet. Excuse my bitterness but I have a daughter who is in almost the same boat as you. God Bless, Jamie.

CCC said...

WOW!! New job! Congrats --- sounds like it can be very lucrative$!$ I can't wait to read more about your revisited career path. Will it be just as good the second time around.? Or better?! :D