will anyone remember who I am?
I miss the old blogging days, the days before Facebook and Twitter. Those were the days when we blogged and made friends. We wrote long entries about our lives, our feelings, our families, our pets, our jobs and our friends. Now, we post a sentence or two, a photo or two, and the "friends" that we made while blogging have mostly gone by the wayside. We no longer have any idea what goes on in each others lives, really - we have little idea how our friends actually ARE. Many of us had issues with our health way back then, of course that generally leads to further issues and troubles, and we don't really even know how the others are doing. That is sad to me. I miss those days. I miss my friends. I miss my life, then.
I am increasingly worse. Each day, I have a bit more pain, a bit less mobility, and I am a bit shorter. I was 5'8" all of my life. I am now just under 5'2". I KNOW. It is very unusual for a person of my age to develop scoliosis, but that is what has happened. I lean to the left. I have a pregnant stomach because those six inches from the middle have to go somewhere, and that sway that used to shape my backside is now pushed forward. I think that is the thing I look forward to the most after the upcoming surgery - losing this damned stomach. I have been in mourning for what I used to be, and let me tell you (warn you, those of you that have always put yourselves down the way that I always did) it can be taken from you. You can lose it. It can get worse and then, you will find yourself praying for what you used to honestly hate ---. Please take it from me, we really should try to be the best that we can be, and then, we need to be proud of what we look like. To spend a life wishing we look different, maybe shorter or taller, fatter or thinner, whatever; it can be taken from you. I didn't know that. I had no earthly idea that I could wake up one morning with a stomach that appears to have a seven-month baby inside. I didn't know it was possible to look in the mirror and see your shoulders facing one direction, your middle facing another. Overnight, people. These things happened literally overnight. I have had spine problems for many years. The degree to which they have become is unfathomable. And so now --- I am facing a surgery that literally scares the you-know-what right out of me.
I thought it would take place in May but due to circumstances that are out of my control, it seems that it will be June at the earliest. I cannot get in to see my surgeon (and schedule the surgery) until the 10th of June. The later date is both a blessing and a curse. But my feelings are that it is all way out of my control anyway, whatever happens from now on is up to God. I have place myself on autopilot solely for survival. I have never been so afraid.... I have been through some very serious medical procedures and surgeries. You can't have spine problems and not have gone through some less than fun times. But this surgery that looms is a thousand times more than any of all of that, combined. I have a choice, I don't have to have it done. But what I am doing now is not living. And, I am getting worse. Eventually, there won't really be a choice. So, I see no point in waiting. If I can't really have a life, I'd rather not have one at all. I want to be able to do things again. Now, I spend 99% of my time waiting for the next pill to help the pain. I don't like how the drugs make me feel, I hate the whole process of getting them, I hate everything about all of it. Occasionally I have a day that I can actually function a little. But if I do too much, I pay for the next few days. No, none of what I go through now is worth it. I want my life back. I am not stupid enough to believe that I will be what I once was, but I do have a shot at getting some of it back. Like anything, there will be things that I will have to give up to get some of what I once was back, but the compromises will (hopefully) be worth it. I pray that I will be able to get out and walk again, for long distances, (like my surgeon said I would), and that I will be able to at least cut back drastically on the medications. Secretly, I am praying that I can go back to work. I miss my job and my professional life most of all. But it all remains to be seen. On one hand, waiting is hell. On the other, there isn't enough time left. Yes,I know I sound crazy. At some point, I will share the mechanics of what is to happen to me on that table. Right now, I think I have said enough about me.
I have lost so many of my old friends blog addresses. I am trying to find them all again, but many are gone, or have moved, or like me -- have been neglected for way too long. I was recently invited to write again by Wendy, one of the old, original blogging group, and I told her that I just wasn't physically able. For the most part, that is true. But I am going to try. Honestly --- I am.
If you stop by, please let me know you were here. And leave me your blog address so that I can find you all again. I really, really have missed you all. Much love.