Tuesday, April 22, 2014

It's been so long,

will anyone remember who I am?

I miss the old blogging days, the days before Facebook and Twitter. Those were the days when we blogged and made friends. We wrote long entries about our lives, our feelings, our families, our pets, our jobs and our friends. Now, we post a sentence or two, a photo or two, and the "friends" that we made while blogging have mostly gone by the wayside. We no longer have any idea what goes on in each others lives, really - we have little idea how our friends actually ARE. Many of us had issues with our health way back then, of course that generally leads to further issues and troubles, and we don't really even know how the others are doing. That is sad to me. I miss those days. I miss my friends. I miss my life, then.

I am increasingly worse. Each day, I have a bit more pain, a bit less mobility, and I am a bit shorter. I was 5'8" all of my life. I am now just under 5'2". I KNOW. It is very unusual for a person of my age to develop scoliosis, but that is what has happened. I lean to the left. I have a pregnant stomach because those six inches from the middle have to go somewhere, and that sway that used to shape my backside is now pushed forward. I think that is the thing I look forward to the most after the upcoming surgery - losing this damned stomach. I have been in mourning for what I used to be, and let me tell you (warn you, those of you that have always put yourselves down the way that I always did) it can be taken from you. You can lose it. It can get worse and then, you will find yourself praying for what you used to honestly hate ---. Please take it from me, we really should try to be the best that we can be, and then, we need to be proud of what we look like. To spend a life wishing we look different, maybe shorter or taller, fatter or thinner, whatever; it can be taken from you. I didn't know that. I had no earthly idea that I could wake up one morning with a stomach that appears to have a seven-month baby inside. I didn't know it was possible to look in the mirror and see your shoulders facing one direction, your middle facing another. Overnight, people. These things happened literally overnight. I have had spine problems for many years. The degree to which they have become is unfathomable. And so now --- I am facing a surgery that literally scares the you-know-what right out of me.
I thought it would take place in May but due to circumstances that are out of my control, it seems that it will be June at the earliest. I cannot get in to see my surgeon (and schedule the surgery) until the 10th of June. The later date is both a blessing and a curse. But my feelings are that it is all way out of my control anyway, whatever happens from now on is up to God. I have place myself on autopilot solely for survival. I have never been so afraid....  I have been through some very serious medical procedures and surgeries. You can't have spine problems and not have gone through some less than fun times. But this surgery that looms is a thousand times more than any of all of that, combined. I have a choice, I don't have to have it done. But what I am doing now is not living. And, I am getting worse. Eventually, there won't really be a choice. So, I see no point in waiting. If I can't really have a life, I'd rather not have one at all. I want to be able to do things again. Now, I spend 99% of my time waiting for the next pill to help the pain. I don't like how the drugs make me feel, I hate the whole process of getting them, I hate everything about all of it. Occasionally I have a day that I can actually function a little. But if I do too much, I pay for the next few days. No, none of what I go through now is worth it. I want my life back. I am not stupid enough to believe that I will be what I once was, but I do have a shot at getting some of it back. Like anything, there will be things that I will have to give up to get some of what I once was back, but the compromises will (hopefully) be worth it. I pray that I will be able to get out and walk again, for long distances, (like my surgeon said I would), and that I will be able to at least cut back drastically on the medications. Secretly, I am praying that I can go back to work. I miss my job and my professional life most of all. But it all remains to be seen. On one hand, waiting is hell. On the other, there isn't enough time left. Yes,I know I sound crazy. At some point, I will share the mechanics of what is to happen to me on that table. Right now, I think I have said enough about me.

I have lost so many of my old friends blog addresses. I am trying to find them all again, but many are gone, or have moved, or like me -- have been neglected for way too long. I was recently invited to write again by Wendy, one of the old, original blogging group, and I told her that I just wasn't physically able. For the most part, that is true. But I am going to try. Honestly --- I am.

If you stop by, please let me know you were here. And leave me your blog address so that I can find you all again. I really, really have missed you all.   Much love.

7 comments:

Ruby said...

Jamie -- I'm still here. You might remember me...I was CCC from Leaving Corporate. Wendy told me about your site and I really do miss you too. I'm so sorry you're going through so much with your health! I will definitely be keeping you in my prayers. I too am going through my own hell of sorts. You can read about it here: rudytheaddict.blogspot.com

I go by the name ruby now. I'm an addict. Much love to you girl and lets bring the Circle back xoxo we could all use the support.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Hi Jamie!!! I can't tell you how big my smile was today when I sat at lunch checking blogs and your post popped up in my reader. You know how much I've missed you and the gang. We were like family back then and you helped me get thru so much. I really mean it when I say I wouldn't have made it, wouldn't be alive it if wasn't for your patience with my whining and your encouragement!

Life has dealt you one really crappy hand, and I don't know why that is but I am praying for you all the time, and I really do want your updates, and to keep in touch. YOU MATTER TO ME! I know you don't feel well enough to do a whole lot of writing, but anything you post here will be great, and I know that just hearing from folks helps a little bit, especially with feeling alone. Let's all put our minds to believing that this coming surgery is going to go just fine, and your life can return to a new normal. God knows you deserve that! CC and Frank are back to blogging at last, and I'm still working on that stubborn Sloth in Dallas, but we may draw her in too. I let them know you are back! Much, much love to you dear friend, keep the updates coming, blogging is the best therapy in the world! LOVE YOU! OXOX

Josie Two Shoes said...

PS - I'm in the A-Z blog thing this month, so my blog may bore you to tears, but I will return to regular posting on May 1st, and maybe get back to some of the life stories we used to share! HUGS

Coffeypot said...

It is good to see you back, Jamie, but wish it was under better circumstances. But it will get better sooner than you think. I just wish you were not in so much pain. But God will help you through it all.

SOUL said...

Hey Jamie... I am happy to see you writing ! I think of you so often! I hate what facebook has done to what we all had. My blog won't auto update on the rare occasion that i do update it.. But once in A blue moon i do write. Words don't come like they used to... But, my body and mind are in rough shape right now too.
I may attempt a new blog, maybe that will work..as far as updating...i don't know.
Anyhow... Really great to see you post. I really do understand how hard it can be to do. But WE are HERE. WE MISS YOU, and we support you.
How bout you and i make a deal?
Us two blog hermits. ;)). ? You blog - i blog? And just maybe.... We can bring our little family back together.
Cuz there really is something missing... Without y'all ... And the way things used to be.
Hugs, and prayers to you J

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

(((Hugs)))

Frank Powers said...

I miss the old days, too. I can kinda handle facebook but twitter just pisses me off. Very few things can be properly expressed in 2 lines. Give me a blog, that's where I belong.

I'm sorry to read about your pain, I have little to offer other than my friendship, sympathy, and if I can manage it, a laugh or two.

I sincerely hope things get better or at least manageable for you.