Friday, April 25, 2014

An un-posted post, from 2011

I wrote the following in 2011. It was the anniversary of my first marriage, I don't know why I wrote it then, I don't know why I didn't finish it or publish it. Reading it again this morning, I see that it is worthy of being said, if only for my kids to read someday, after I'm gone. He was their dad after all, and while they all know how much I loved him, this may explain (briefly) that rocky relationship. I have not mentioned this blog to them in years, I assume they have no reason to look here any more. But even if they would read here now or in the near future, it would be okay, I don't keep too many secrets.  :)

Thirty-two years ago today, I got married. I was a starry eyed, niave, young and stupid girl, just a few weeks shy of nineteen. He was eleven years older than I, although I did not know that yet. (He shaved a few years off of his real age, although that fact was insignificant to me and it would not have mattered.) To say I was in love would be an understatement. I was that, but I was also in love with the whole idea of love and marriage and family, and I was nearly obsessed with HIM. He was all that mattered in my world. He was all that was important to me, all that I thought about, cared about, and lived for back then. He was a good man, really. He wanted the same type of life that I cared about, he wanted children, he loved fast cars and dogs and cats and kids and his mother, sort of. He loved ME. He made me feel wanted and special and needed. And stupid. Oh how he could make me feel so stupid...laughing at my young and stupid ways, my lack of knowledge of the adult world, the fact that I had no idea what the real world was. I suppose I should tell you that we dated for six weeks prior to our marriage. Yes, I know. But it could have easily have been six months or six years, the outcome would have been the same. He made me want to get it right--everything. He made me want to learn to do it all, he made me want to "break out" of my stupidity and be smarter. I thought he knew absolutely everything. He had to be the smartest man that ever lived. He was educated plus naturally smart, and had the biggest dreams of anyone I had ever met. He made me laugh. We spent so much time talking and dreaming and laughing, I can't even tell you. I waited impatiently until he would get back home, when he had to be gone from me. Within a very few months of our union, I became pregnant and that was the beginning of the most magical time of my life. He made me feel so very loved and wanted and so damned happy. I spent many days crying, seriously, with happiness. I couldn't believe my fortune or my luck.

However, those were the good days. Those were the days that life was perfectly right. There were many, many days that I was left wondering what in the world had happened to the man that I had said "I do and I will" to. The bad days were right there, smack in the middle of all the good. I can't say that the bad came later, after a period of time, or that they progressively became worse over the years, because they didn't. The bad days happened right along with the good, in the middle of the wonderful. I didn't know then and still don't know for sure now, but the man had mental problems. All I knew back then was that he had his days when he was in "a mood". The bad mood days left me feeling helpless and hopeless and even more stupid and so dark inside. He was not violent with me, not ever. But there was no item, no special thing, nothing electronic, or mechanical that would be spared. His rage would spill out of him like vomit, and I could see that he was helpless to stop it. All I knew was that I wanted it to go away, to stop, and

I wonder now what I would have written here. My days of thinking about this time in my life are gone. I am sure that's due to my current predicament, if I were well, I would still have all these opinions on oh-so-many-things. For now, I'm incapable of this kind of writing. I have hope that I will return to it. There is always hope, right?  Hugs and love, all.  :)


Coffeypot said...

I think most of us look at life through rose colored glasses in our youth. But life has a way of clearing up the rose colored tint.

I had my good and bad times with my 'starter wife.' She is a good lady and I like her much better now that she is gone.

The ex sounds bi-polar. There is nothign you can do to fix it. You were wise to leave.

SOUL said...

Yep... No tellin J ... It is good you don't live that way anymore.
And, yes, there really is always hope. There has to be. I actually heard that 'man cannot live four seconds without hope'.
That is not long at all. So i must tell you this ... As bad as it feels at times ... We are never truly hopeless.

Josie Two Shoes said...

This is truly a wonderful gift post to your children, it is written with honesty, fairness and love. We both know that you made the right choice, we can't life like that, when life turns on a dime and eggshells crunch beneath our feet when we least expect it.

I think the reason I am able to get along with my ex as friends now, is that there were those good times to remember and I have let go of the bad - not forgotten, just doesn't matter anymore. I am thankful it's not my life, he hasn't really changed all that much, just gotten older like the rest of us. But like your first husband, my ex clearly has issues that remain unresolved, because he is unwilling to address them. I am sad for that, because his life could be so much better, as could the lives of anyone he connects with. It is his choice though.

As for you, Miss Jamie, the woman who wrote that post most eloquently is still here with us, she just has bigger things to deal with most days now, and not the time or energy to wax philosophic, but that doesn't mean those days won't come again.

For now, we are grateful to have you with us, we learn from your sharing, and it helps us know how to form our prayers. It takes far more courage to live with the dark days in your life at this time, than with those dark days long ago. God was preparing you, as he always does, and it is the strength you have learned along the way that will keep you going and hanging on to the corner of hope now. Wait and see what happens, dear friend, God is good, and He loves you dearly!

Josie Two Shoes said...

Hi Jamie! Just checking in on a nice warm Saturday. Do you get to see your amazing grandsons often? Can't believe you have four of them now! I remember when you were waiting for the first one to arrive! :-) Ok, who's up for presenting you with a little granddaughter next? :-)

Josie Two Shoes said...

Ok, I'm gonna just keep commenting here 'til you put something new up! LOL Check out Soul's post today... that's all we need, just a couple lines every now and then to let us know you're hanging in there, and that the snowstorms and tornadoes didn't get you yet! Thinking of you with love always, Josie Jo

Josie Two Shoes said...

Hi Jamie! Dropping by to leave you a bit of mid-week love. Hump day survived in my corner of the world. Hope you are snug in your corner. How old are your kitties now? I'm so glad you have them for company! Tell us some kitty tales! OXOX, Jos