Monday, June 24, 2013

My orbit

More than two months since I have been here. It's looking a little dusty and unloved, I apologize. Every time I am here, I promise better behavior. I won't do that this time, but know I am thinking it. It isn't like I don't have things I want to say, it's just difficult getting the thoughts converted to words. Never before have I had this problem, but recently, it can't be done easily. I have written several posts but upon editing, I realize that it is all wrong, not what I intended to say at all. I used to be okay with that, recently not so much. Do any of you (any fellow bloggers who haven't given up on me) have the problem of wanting to say one thing, and upon finishing writing, you realize that is not what it says at all? Perhaps it is the medications I have to take, but by now I don't think I can use that excuse anymore. Most of the meds are the same old same old and shouldn't be causing new issues.

Speaking of meds is speaking of my life. I do revolve around the little white pills. I rotate around them like the earth does the sun. I hate it, but it's required for me to live, and I expect it always will be this way. A few weeks ago, I saw my doc and told him the pain meds weren't working the way they used to. Suprisingly, he upped the dosage of the the major one. I was so pleased, he actually listened to me! (I must say here that I was having one of the worst flares of my entire life with these problems, and I could see shock on his face when he saw me walk around the office). My surprise stems from the fact that he is a General Practitioner and is really afraid to be the one prescribing, even though he agreed when my pain doc was put on suspension and eventually arrested, which is another story for another day. However, I couldn't handle the dosage. It was too much, it made me sick, it felt like it about killed me. I was happy to get back to my old amount, and funny how much it helped my pain! Since then,  I have been going through a really good phase - and I am praying it lasts for a long time. The reality is, it won't. Everything comes and goes on me, even the pain can get better. I am using this time to get started on getting back to ME. I am trying to hurry  because I know this is temporary, but my hope is that once I am used to doing it, I can push through the pain and continue. I will never be me until I can walk for an extended period of time, I am small like I have always been, until I can endure and push through it all.

Push through. The story of my life, in just two little words. Those that know me, know - that I will push through a brick wall to make my goal if necessary. I can't lose my "push through". Sometimes I misplace it temporarily, but I can never lose it.

This is a perfect day to stay in my jammies - it's dark and stormy out, I am in major pain, yes a great day for lazy. Even in this condition, I don't have too many lazy days. I work on what needs doing, although I must admit, it's really slow going. I get distracted easily, I move at a snails pace, I compensate for my pain, somehow. But today - I have decided I am taking a lazy day off.

Yesterday, I had a huge breakthrough. I have been outside walking for the past few weeks. (I got the okay from the doc, just in case you're getting ready to yell at me....   :)  and it has been really slow going. But yesterday - I was able to go for 25 minutes! It was raining, and oh-how-I-love- walking in the rain! It was so great, I just cried. I cried for the pain, but I cried because I felt like ME. Just for a very short time, I felt like me. I am trying not to think about how I look when I am doing it. I sort of shuffle, stumble, grunt right along. It feels like I am tearing something in my back with each step, the pain is so intense, but I try so hard to keep on. Yesterday, I could. Praise God.

I have so many things that need doing, and I get overwhelmed when I think of them. I always just know that somehow I will manage. Somehow. This day is for no worries, for happy laziness. So I will share those things with you all in the next posts.

I have a most awesome new grandson - my little Tate. He is beautiful, wonderful, awesome and perfect. Here are a few pics from recent events:

There is also another grandson on the way - he will arrive in about 8 weeks. Excited? Oh yea!

Mark and I celebrated 17 years over the weekend. How can that even be? Impossible - yes. But good, very, very good.  :)

Later, Gaters. I'll be back. I'll always be back.


Leann said...

All those beautifully handsome grandsons. So blessed! I am happy you are having a good lazy day :-)

You are missed SO very much.

Do what you can, give the rest to God. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessed by my sweet Jamie.

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Mems said...

I'm glad that you were able to go for your long walk in the rain! (Those are my favorite walks to!) Congrats to you and Uncle Mark on your 17 years! We'll be right behind you! :) I'm so happy that of all of the lovely couples we get to share our anniversary with it is the two of you! I love you guys so much! We will have to make plans to meet up after Dylan and I get back! Hugs and kisses!

Golden To Silver Val said...

LeAnn said it are missed SO much. Even tho I rarely hear from you...You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you could drop me an email soon and tell me what's going on....but I do understand if you don't. Pain is will rarely let you do anything else when it commands attention. Big hugs dear friend and remember I love you. xo God Bless you and yours. The grandchildren are absolutely precious.

Cheryl said...

I think us old friends will always be friends. I look at your grandkids and remember when there were none. How many years has it been? We've been through so much together. It's been a road. You've always pushed through. Somehow. You're still keeping on. I'm glad. Each day is a gift. Grab whatever moments you can. Love you...Cheryl

Coffeypot said...

I do write a post on word and sometimes it is not right. So I change a few words and sentences, copy and paste. But I refuse to delete anything I write simply because I spent time writing it and I'm too lazy to start over. Adjust, yes, start over, not gonna happen.

I hate having to take my meds,too. BUT... they are keeping me alive so I just do it. My life is what it is and I adjust my attitude (when my depression doesn't fight me) and carry on.

I'm just thankful you are still here.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

I do!
I am!
Seeing no way out!
Knowing that ONLY I can change things and not having the strength to do it.

You are not alone m/f. (((hugs)))

Juli said...

Too cute! And wild... I can tell. :) 17 years? Congrats!

kristi said...

I can't wait to be a grandma, in a few years of course!

SOUL The Chew said...

and .. when exactly, will you be back?

these kids are friggin amazing !!! i cannot believe how they've grown, and you have a brand new one too! i am so absolutely excited for you. do these boys go on list ? i do love to be aunt Brennie you know.

how bout ya at least put up a few new pix, so i can see them? i didn't even know about number three until very recently :((

mushroom me. kept in the dark and -- well, you know

hugs J
have a happy day !

SOUL The Chew said...

they really need a 'like' button on comments don't they?

SOUL The Chew said...

:(( i'm faceless ! but it's me... Soul