Friday, August 05, 2011

Just so you all know...

I think you're pretty terrific. The comments from my last post - about moving, all that there is to do --among other things, like PENGUINS...and you all commented that I didn't need to be doing all the work. I love that you all care so much about me. I get so much from all of my wonderful blog friends, understanding, concern--amazing things that no one that doesn't have a blog or blog friends would ever understand. I want to thank you all for that. Seriously...and you all know I feel the same about you.  However, having said all that---surely you know me well enough to know that while I certainly can't do all that needs doing, I am too much of a control freak to leave it all to someone else. Mark is taking the brunt of it all, and he works the longest hours, but still, he is doing alot regarding the move, already. And I want to tell you all that I am taking my family (kids) up on their offers of help..we'll see how that turns out. They are all wonderful, they care about me and worry, but they are busy--like everyone. Intentions are high..but time will tell. When it comes to the actual MOVE, they will be here --- that is a hard, hard job and recently they have done their share of moving old mom and dad, but also I pay them for their labors. I figure I would pay anyone else and who needs the money more than my kids? So anyway...I love you all, and thanks so much for your care and concern once again.

And you all ignored (or most of you anyway) my penguin plight and seriously, that struck my funny bone hard. I know, I know...I'm a little twisted.

This week? My week? Well this week has been HELL. Seriously. IT problems at work, unable to send the required financials to General Motors, I spent HOURS and HOURS and HOURS on the phone with tech support. I HATE THE PHONE. I HATE THE PHONE. I HATE THE PHONE. I hate talking on the phone. To anyone. I really believe that's why God invented text messaging...just sayin'. SO this was my own special kind of hell. But finally, the damned financial statement was sent...and really, no one knows why. No one knows why it wouldn't go, no one knows why it did. UGH.

Aside from that, I have been home, whimpering like an abused dog...praying for my pain to go away. So far, no luck. I am wasting my life away...just praying it away...getting by. Things are in motion that should help with the pain, but oh lord, how slowly it goes. I am not doing much right - I am ignoring people that matter to me, I am not being a good mom or grandma or wife or friend or sister, I am being selfish. I am being wrapped up in myself and my pain. I hate it, but that is all I have left in me. It's miraculous that I can actually show up to work each day and be somewhat productive, but the miracles stop there. I get home and drug myself up beyond caring. I cannot help it, the pain has won. Seriously, I am not whining here, just explaining. Please you all, give me a bit of a break---and don't judge my non-responsiveness as not caring. I swear, once I am better, I WILL make it up to each of you.

'Til then --- hugs and love. Happy Friday.


welcome to my world of poetry said...

Try and take each day as it comes, being in continual pain must be an ordeal in it's self without the added pressure of moving.

Enjoy your week-end.

Janie Fox said...

hang tough little one. I am praying for you. xoxo

On the Road Again said...

I am so sorry you are stuck in the vicious pain cycle, I hope relief comes soon.

Beau's Mom said...

Let me explain a few things here, and if you want more, you can always email me your address:

Pain is exhausting. You hurt, you scrunch up, you pull inward like a wounded animal beneath a bush in the woods. And you exhaust yourself.

There's nothing you are doing wrong, it's mother nature's way and it can't be fought successfully. Your brain is as tired of the pain as you are.

But you are not DOING it. PAIN is doing it TO you.

I read a blog about a man in such livid pain he is nearly paralyzed. He found medical marijuana and is now having the conundrum: pain free yet zoned out...or being full of pain and exhausted.

I "semi-raised" a daughter while in excruciating pain and have apologized to her for over 20 years for not being the mother she should have had.

Now? I did what I could when I could. Life dealt me a BAD hand and it never changed the cards.

I'm a control freak and I think pain does that to us. We WANT/NEED to feel control over SOMETHING/ANYTHING.

You're still beating yourself up. I don't think we ever stop.

Cheryl said...

Hi Jamie,
I really don't know how you do all you do--how you go to work, play with your grandkids, do things around your house, etc. You're amazing. No one should fault you for finding relief from your pain. When do you have the procedure for the spinal stimulator?

Thank goodness it's the weekend!

Leann said...

One hour, one day at at time. I know about being selfish with my time. Pain is a terrible enemy and few do as well as you. Be proud, know we're here, and thank you for your friendship. :-)

Blessed be Jamie.