Saturday, June 25, 2011

Lite-news-salad-mess-pain-happy-hag-and stuff

Yet another storm brewing outside my windows. I am beginning, like many parts of the country, to wonder if building an ark is becoming necessary. It seems that everyone, everywhere, has unusual weather this spring and summer. Enough rain already.

I am still in pain today, my lower back seems to have frozen up for the most part, and moving causes great shooting pains down my right leg. The little pink and large white pills allow me to get around-minimally. Something other than covering it up has to be done though, and soon. The injections that I was scheduled to get in my neck have been denied by the insurance company. My doctor is still arguing that fact, but it has left me in limbo again. I have no idea what the next course of action should be, but I do know I am fed up with all of it. There have been some pretty low times recently. I cannot imagine living this way for the rest of my days - generally thought to be another thirty or so years. Seriously, I cannot do that. My options of course are few - if any, but there has to be some kind of answer somewhere. I am taking a huge amount of narcotics. Any amount is too much, as far as I am concerned, but let me tell you - pain of this kind causes even me to run for the medicine bottle as soon as the time has come. I live my life by the hours between doses. I know that this will be a future problem, no one can take these kinds of drugs without having issues from the drug itself. However, that is the least of my problems for now. I am grateful for them, otherwise working and living at all would be out of the question. And once again, I am sorry for the whining here, but my life has boiled down to one pill or two? To know me is to know that. I am sad about it, but pain has a way of changing every little thing about a person.

Since I promised you all the "good news" that has changed my life, I suppose it IS time to tell you that Mark and I have reconciled. We are still married since we never got around to getting to the attorneys, but now we are married in the true sense of the word, once again. We have honestly and truly worked out 95% of our problems and we will be moving back into one residence in September, when our leases are up. I am feeling quite happy about it, as is he. Apparently, we are meant to be together as both of us have had every opportunity to be with anyone else, and yet here we both are. I met and dated a couple of very decent, good men---but it just wasn't "right", you know? And he didn't see anyone, not once in the two years we have been separated. Neither of us could find our way, and circumstances and feelings and other things just kept putting us right back where we were. I began to listen to my inner voice and God, and I knew the path I was following was wrong. I am quite happy about it, and I am ecstatic to know that I do not have to be alone, not when I don't want to. I love living alone, but that will be worked out. He understands my need to be alone from time to time and lets me be me. That is all anyone can ask, at least in my opinion. I will never understand why he would choose to be with a sick old hag like me, but I am finished questioning it. I have the answers that matter. I am grateful, I am happy, and I am hopeful. Now, I just want so much to feel better...but at least, if I should be left this way for the rest of my life, he understands and will be there for me. Our anniversary was this past week: fifteen years. :)

I am happy it is the weekend, I have things I need to do. I didn't make it to work yesterday---oh how I hate missing work due to my issues. I was at least caught up there - but I hate being gone. I am very lucky that I have bosses that understand, and I know they believe that I would be there if at all possible. It was totally impossible yesterday. Heaven knows I push myself every day, if I missed work every time I felt bad I would never, ever be there. Sometimes I just can't do it, though and that frustrates me so much. I often worry that I won't be able to work at all soon---but I cannot believe it will get that bad, even though my body tells me otherwise.

So, time to get my big butt up and do some things that have needed doing all week. Certainly I will be more capable than yesterday --- I wish you could have all seen the mess I had on my beautiful wood kitchen floor when I dumped my whole, huge salad, lite ranch dressing side down, of course. It's amazing how much grease is in that - if that is lite, how much oil is in the regular? My hand just quit - it was there and then it wasn't -- I had no feeling in it at all, suddenly. That is not good when you are carrying a salad. And not just any salad --- but a "big salad"...LOL (Seinfeld). Even though I did my best to clean that mess up then, my back would not allow me to do a very good job--what I managed made me cry, but I have got to get that mess really cleaned today..

Happy Saturday. Happy Me. I'm out.  :)


Janie Fox said...

I am so sorry about your back. If you lived near I would have my Abbie look at you. SHe is fabulous and chiropractic care is so advanced when it comes to spinal and nerve issues. They focus on restoring your health nit giving a pill I know what you mean though if you simply must have a pin pill How do people live with constant debilitating pain for their whole life? I remember thinking that when I went through my whole shoulder mess.
Reconciled, how wonderful. God does indeed have a plan for you. Keeping him first will enrich your marriage and take you places you had given up hope for. Rejoicing with you my friend!!
I wish I lived close... I would clean up that salad mess and make you a new one! xo

Joyce said...

Oh Jamie, I so understand your chronic pain and indeed it can turn you into a person you don't even recognize. Don't give up looking for answers outside the pills.I am sure you know they become less and less effective as you build up tolerance to them and you have to keep upping the dose. I know it's a balancing act of just how much pain you can take. Just keep researching Dr's and procedures, even though I know it seems like you are just beating your head against a brick wall. You are very lucky to have a man who understands and will be there to support you on your bad days. I truly don't think I would have been able to continue without my husband. Hope you have a good weekend and are able to enjoy yourself.

Golden To Silver Val said...

This is the best news (You and Mark) I've heard in ages!!!!! I am SO HAPPY for both of you. I will send you an email. Big BIG hugs to you and to him also. What a great guy you have there, Jamie. This is wonderful!!!!

Josie said...

Curses, that pain makes me so angry and frustrated for you because you are trying so hard to keep going inspite of it. I can imagine how something like the spilled salad and mess would make you just cry. It made me cry reading about it. You are such a positive person that I keep believing God will bring you relief!

You and Mark are back together... that is happy news because you sound really happy about it! I am sure it is such a comfort to have him there for you always, I have noted that he has been around quite a bit, so obviously never really left the family. It isn't that hard to see that he must really love you... and that you deserve to be loved and cherished... you should see that too! Have you chosen a place to live yet? I like my alone time too, in fact I realized this week that sometimes I need it. Let's make sure we always arrange a little time for just ourselves, so we don't become grumpy old ladies! :-)

Coffeypot said...

That is good news and I am happy for far as rejoining with Mark. Not about the pain. I have lower back problems and sometimes I can't bend over or get out of the chair without pushing my self up with my arms. Just do what you have to for now. The future will take care of itself. I do suggest you search the web for the latest and greatest. Sometimes you learn something the Dr's don't know.

Kristy said...

That is great news:) I do understand about chronic pain. Take it minute by minute if you have to. You are not whining. One thing that helped me a ton when I had a frozen shoulder but was expensive was going to a really good massage therapist. I need to get back to it. They seemed to get my whole shoulder unseized and my neck. It is so frustrating when you want to get things done and your body won't work.

Lena said...

I am sorry for your pain. I hope and pray relief comes soon.

I am happy about u and Mark. If it feels right to u then it is right! I love good news!

What did your kids say?

Leann said...

I am absolutely delighted that you have found happiness with Mark. It is not our life to question, but yours to live :-)

I hope the insurance company pulls it's head out soon and you are able to get the treatment you need.

Happy weekend friend. Blessed be.

Anonymous said...

WOW big news indeed Jamie!! I am a post-Mark reader, but look forward to hearing about your life together!! Congratulations.

Cheryl said...

Thank goodness for the feel-good things in your life. Big things...Mark and your kids. And your job. I'm so happy about your news. You and Mark know each other so well. You've had enough time to know that what you have is real.

Don't ever feel like you're whining when you talk about living your life in pain. How can that not be a big part of who you are? It's not what you choose. It's not what you accept. It just is, and you do the best that you can to live with it and work around it. You're amazing.