Sunday, January 09, 2011

What I've got in mind


I woke up this morning in unbelievable pain. No apparent reason, nothing different, just pain of the astronomical variety. I am now waiting for the drugs to take it away, but am beginning to think that won't happen this time, this pain is too great. I do have another type of pain drug in the locked drawer that I have only tried once, it was too powerful. This day may be the perfect time for a second trial. I can handle pain, I can take alot. I can push through it daily, or I wouldn't be able to do anything. When I say I have bad pain, believe me, it's bad. And this morning? B.A.D.

So yesterday, I ended up working even though I said I wouldn't. I really don't mind working on Saturday's, the office is quiet and I can get alot done. And I did. I do need some physical help there, I am going to clean out years of files from the cabinets and move them upstairs. I started that job, but soon discovered that I am not strong enough or sturdy enough to lift the boxes out of the way once full. So one day soon I will finish that job. Otherwise, I completed a couple of quarterly reports and some other paperwork. I left there around two and did a little grocery shopping, came home and put it away and then went to the gym. I didn't have my usual energy but I struggled along as best I could. I was happy to see my apartment last evening. The kitties were happy to see me.

Today, I am supposed to see my oldest child and her youngest, assuming that I can stay upright and right now, that is questionable. My apartment is covered in kitty litter and I have got to vacuum and clean a little. Otherwise, I am free as a bird and I like that. I have so many things I want to do, but it seems that my time at home is spent sleeping or laying down, way too much. Oh how I would give anything to be normal, physically. I often imagine how wonderful that would be, and the amount of stuff I could get done daily would amaze even me. But there in no point in even thinking that way, I have accepted that is never to be, not anymore. Some days the pushing and prodding and talking to myself just to accomplish anything gets a little much. But, I will continue, because to stop would be giving in, and heaven knows I can never do that.

Later, friends. :)

10 comments:

kristi said...

Feel better. I am achy too...thanks to PMS.

JTS said...

Oh Jamie! The picture at the top of your post is definitely me too! It made me chuckle.. until I read what you wrote and was reminded how serious this issue is for you. Mentally, you have so much energy you amaze me. Your desire to push thru and get things done inspires me. And it makes me really mad too when your body is unable to cooperate and follow along with the plan. Maybe lifiting a few boxes yesterday didn't help. I will be praying the super-duper pain med kicks in and gives you some rest. Like you, I believe we must play the cards were dealt in life and there is little point in wishing we had others. But I think it is ok and certainly understandable if every now and then you'd like to have some freedom from the pain. I keep praying they'll find a way to make that possibble! One reason to smile for sure this morning, no - a couple of them - your kitties are always there to greet you and love on you, and you sound at home in your "new" job now, you have made it yours and I'm sure you are a blessing to them! Remember how we struggled with moving to new jobs after so many years in the same place? Well hey, we did it and we did it well!!! HUGS!

Coffeypot said...

Sorry about your pain, but you still impress me that you still carry on. You go girl.

Golden To Silver Val said...

I know exactly where you're coming from, dear friend. I work miracles in my mind...I am motivated and eagerly want to do so many things...but just can't. Why do I have this pain. Why me? We ask that so many times. I wish I knew the answer but, like you, I know that feeling sorry for myself doesn't help...if it did, I'd feel GREAT. Of course this cold and snow doesn't help matters any either. You have twice as much determination as I do....and I'm often amazed at how much you do. You are truly awesome. I hope this round of pain subsides quickly. In the meantime....keep on keepin' on and you're always in my prayers.

Cheryl said...

Did you take the strong meds? I imagine that sometimes it might be best to take the drugs and get the relief your body needs. What you accomplish in spite of your pain amazes me. You are a wonder woman and an inspiration.

Sandra said...

Oh wow...I'm assuming you suffer from chronic pain?
I feel for you. I don't, however, my husband does.
Take care.

Mary said...

Jamie, there are times when we have to "take the stronger meds" and let our bodies rest. I pray you are feeling much better today. Do you think that maybe trying to move the boxes might have set this off?

Leann said...

I can say no more than what others have said. I understand your desire to push through the pain, to not let the pain get the best of you. To never give up. That is truly strength and determination. Sometimes you have to let your body rest. If the bad boys get that done for you, then by all means give yourself permission to just give into your body. Take the time to give your body the down time.

Take care of yourself my friend and I pray tomorrow brings a better day.

"Professor" M. said...

You went to the gym! Wow! You do so much better than I on that front - especially when I have exercise equipment set up in the third bedroom! Everyone needs a little whine now and then. Hope you feel better!

Raine said...

I hope that your pain has passed and you are doing much better