The wonth of the month

Here it is again, the beginning of a new month. The day that I have to work hard at my job...and get it all behind me. I like the first, especially when I am organized with all the groundwork laid for finishing it all up, and like most month's, it is.

I got an email yesterday from a friend, asking how things are going in my life. The way it was worded was: "in the life that you don't blog about". That made me think...

I really don't give details, do I? I talk and ramble and carry on all the time IRL and on the blog..but I don't think that anyone knows any more about me when they leave me than when they arrived. If you all feel that way, I apologize. I am a bit torn between believing that is because no one really gives a damn about any of it, or am I just leery of providing the details because I have been bitten many times before? Is it only me or have any of you noticed that NO ONE asks questions about anything anymore? Other than me, I mean. I always ask about the current issue in the life of the other person and then when I get an answer, I ask the questions that tells me what is really happening. In my vocabulary, that is called caring. Based on that, I believe that very few really care about the details of my life. That is okay..maybe I give off the vibe that says "don't ask". I don't think that is the case, but who really knows how others perceive them? Mostly, I don't think the average person really cares about the lives of others. I think we are too wrapped up in our own problems, issues and general lives to care very much. It's all okay...just talking out loud here. My own family...my kids and ex don't ask any details, either. If I give them a sound bite of my life, that is as far as it goes. So, I spend most of the time talking about them. And I like it that way. I once heard that no one remembers what you looked like, what you said, what you did. Everyone remembers how you made them feel. To me, that's what's important. I DO care about the lives of my friends and family. I want them to know it, so I listen. Alot. I can't tell you how many times in my life that others have asked me "how did you find that out?". The answer is always very simple..."I asked them".

I saw the doc yesterday, didn't particularly like the news there, though. Nothing new or earth shattering but surgery is in my future. I refused even thinking about it or looking into it for the time being. Not just no but hell no. Yes, I know that the longer I wait the more damage that can be done, but no, not now. Frankly, it's all a crap shoot and as long as I can make do in my particular shape, I am not going to take that chance.

New man (who is now old man, due to the fact that I broke it off), is making me feel really guilty. I hate hurting people, and this is the reason. I should never have started seeing him in the first place, this would not have happened. But dammit, he knew the rules. Just for fun, just for now, no future. Yes, I know how bad that sounds, but good heavens, it was only a few months that we saw each other. He agreed to play it my way, then in the end, he couldn't. And now, I feel really, really crappy. I am taking a chance on him reading this, but he wouldn't read it when we were together, why would he even look at it now?

Bleh. Happy hump day. I'm out.