What a week this was. Can we say difficult? Grueling? Surprising? Painful? Neverending?
Or maybe all of the above?
I will be fifty years old in just over three months. In that amount of time on this earth, does it not make sense that I have learned a thing or two? I have learned truths, that are true for you, for me, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. They are still the truth.
I have learned my own limits, faults, misgivings, shortcomings, and talents. I must admit I still struggle with the limits, but age has a way of slamming that lesson on a gal.
Here are a few of my own personal truths:
A mistake that is repeated is no longer a mistake. It is a personal choice that even if only in private must be dealt with as such. To allow yourself to be absolved with a "hey it was a mistake" for me, does not wash. Repeated mistakes are choices. Most of us choose not to see that.
If something or someone is toxic for my life, I have the right to remove it. Period. When I am left feeling bad and here is the tricky part- through no fault of my own-then I owe it to myself to amputate. However, if I have any part or responsibility in the fact that I am the one left feeling bad, then I must take the time to find out why. And then make the choice of how to proceed.
Hurting others is not my right. Being true to myself is my right. I firmly believe that there is always a way to accomplish a goal that is good and right, for myself and the others involved. Taking the time to think something all the way through and to examine the reason behind the goal will always reveal the best way. Time is on my side, and I do believe there IS a time for everything. EVERYTHING.
Every day, I have the option for a good day or a bad day. Most ALL of the time, good or bad is directly related to attitude. This one is a personal downfall for me, much of the time. I often feel "singled out" as though the universe has chosen to make this day bad, JUST FOR ME. Hmmm..do I seriously think I am that important? No, circumstances always present themselves just the way they are. How I choose to proceed is my own fault. If the day was bad, then I chose the reaction that caused the bad day. I must admit, I work on this all the time.
Each and every day is an opportunity for a miracle. I know how stupid this sounds. I have been told how ridiculous this is more times than I can count. But, I believe it. Yes, really. When I wake up tomorrow, something completely AWESOME could happen. Yes, I know...something really awful could happen, too. But then I fall back on the personal rule directly above this one.
I can not change circumstances. Not for others, anyway. I can help. I can listen. I can pray. But change them? Nope. Worrying about the issues of others, and those most close to me does not help, either. If it did...no one, and I mean NO ONE would have bad circumstances. I have wasted years upon years of my life, worrying. It has never helped. I am not saying that I don't worry anymore, I do. Way too much. But I am doing better. Wasted effort, energy, time. For my own circumstances...well, most of the time, if they are bad, then I have had a hand in it. Once in a great while, something comes out of the blue that is literally not any fault of my own. Those kind of circumstances offer learning opportunities. Not that I am walking around looking for a great opportunity to learn more about myself, because these are the kinds of things that I believe will literally shorten my life if I let them. But I do make every effort to handle these situations correctly, to the best of my ability, because if I don't, I am sure that I will be tested on it again and again until I do.
I am required to help others. REQUIRED. There is no earthly reason why I should be able to walk away when I am capable of helping another human being. I am trying on this one. There is also such a thing as helping too much, and I am way guilty of this one, especially with those I care about. However, "help" is such a huge, broad word. Help can be a prayer for someone else, or it can be a life-altering HUGE decision. My degree of help has to be somewhere in between. I have always thought I was "helping" when someone needed money - I would give them money. That kind of help is easy, it's clean, no real human contact needed. Now that I have little, in part because I have never respected the money I have made in my life, if I had twenty and you needed twenty, no problem, here you go. There is always more money....hmmm. Wonder why I am poor? I don't, not any more. Now, I feel very strongly that I am needed to help others on a completely human level. This will be a new one for me, and I am proceeding cautiously.
I am probably way behind on learning these things. I should have been in this place mentally decades ago. But better late than never, right? I am not perfect and I never will be. I do honestly try, though. Honestly. Enough said.