Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I am feeling a bit pissy this morning, with a capital P, even. GAH. I don't really understand why, perhaps because I have to go to the job again, and you know - no matter what I do, that place is just plain, effed up. I don't think I will ever get comfortable there, even though I honestly do have it made. To be perfectly honest with you all...I am seriously not going to be able to keep working for long, my health is just too bad. It's all I can do to put in eight hours. Seriously. I drag my butt home and die every night. Take pills to compensate for the hours of pain I have endured. You all have no idea how hard this is for me to admit. I am not a quitter, I have the strength and will of steel...but I fear I am on the last inning of a huge losing game. Not that leaving is any kind of option for me, I am literally one paycheck from an appliance box under the bridge. I am unable to tell you all how tired I am of this fight. Drag here, do this, drag home. No, I am not mentally unstable or depressed, this is a real problem. And a fight I won't be able to keep up much longer. I wish I knew what to do about it.

The brake BOOSTER (?) on my car has gone out, according the the guys I work with. I drove in yesterday, no problem. Left work late in the day, and the brakes were acting funny to I chalked it up to the cold, the temps had dropped to less than zero wind chills by then. I don't use my brakes at all in the twenty miles I drive to and from, I hit the bypass's and let 'er go. However, once I use the exit at my house, brakes are needed. They about threw me out of the car when I pressed down on them, and they made the weirdest hissing sound INSIDE. I called the guys back at the garage, and that was the general consensus over the phone. He said to be very careful driving back in today....that they will work but will take longer to stop. I will have to get it back there to have it fixed, oh joy - another expense. If I don't die in the damned thing, first. GAH.

I have the Christmas thing all wrapped up, literally. Well, except for what has not shown up yet, but that should be today or tomorrow. I am mailing out what needs sending today --- well Mark is, I should say. All that is left is the cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking...GAH.

Perhaps I should quit bitching? I seriously love Christmas, and this whole time of year. I am just feeling physically shot. Sorry for the whining. I shall go now. You all have a happy, okay?


Gypsy said...

Sometimes it just feels like the fight is just too much doesn't it? It always amazes me how alike we are. I also have an iron will and a determination that won't quit, but some days...well some days it just overwhelms me and I just can't fight anymore. Somehow I always get over it but it's hell while I'm down for the last count.

It must be terribly worrying when you have to get an income and it's looking dire like that. Big hugs honey....they won't pay the rent but I hope they help xxx

SOUL: said...

deep down, you do know what to do-- just be still, and listen.
be careful.

Lynn said...

I am sending a prayer your way, Jamie. xo

Karen :-) said...

Hope something good happens to you today to turn your day from bad to happy. :-)
Hang in there!

Smocha said...

Surely you are eligible for some kind of disability. You really shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard. You are just like my husband. LOL

You must have the outside shell to enjoy living...so don't work yourself to death out of pure stubborness Scott 2 :)

I could write a novel here about brake stories....I'll spare you though .

I had my big whine day yesterday.

better day tomorrow!

Leann said...

I agree that there should be some disability available to you with the illnesses you are presenting with. I don't know that it will pay the bills as well as it does now but perhaps you could work less hours and from home doing something you love.

I too am a simple paycheck away from living in that appliance box in the back alley. Some days I question why I fight it as it just seems too much. Ultimately it comes down to refusing to give in to anything and believing that ANYTHING is possible, it's just finding the key to make it so then having the courage to use it.

Golden To Silver Val said...

I know there is a solution for you. I just know it. I feel it. I am checking into handling office duties for a heating and AC company from home....maybe something like that could help you too. If your duties at work mainly involve using the company computer, can you access it by remote (from home) and work from there most of the week? There are some companies that are allowing their employees that option now....depending, of course, on what their duties are.
I've been through this with my daughter and she had to end up going on disability and she's only 42. She's like you, did not want to give it up, but her pain showed her who was boss and she had to. Much love to you Jamie....have faith that all will be ok...it really will. Love, Charlotte. xo

Moohaa said...

Whining is good for the skin. :)

I sure hope things even out for you. And I hear you on the body wearing out. I have always admired you working through the pain. I don't know if I could even if I had to, even though I did for years. I've been spoiled being home for 9 years.

Gentle hugs..