Thursday, November 19, 2009

The NOW project

This week is flying right by me. Every day is a blur, and I just can't keep up with them. I hope that's partly due to me trying harder to live in the moment and not in the future or past. This has been a goal of mine make sure that I don't miss something happening now, wondering what will happen next week or month, or even worse --- remembering what happened last year, or the year before. Does that make any sense? In doing that, I think I am feeling more relaxed and happy and enjoying the little things that seem to slip by most of us. When all that is focused on is the NOW, then time just slips by without notice. I hate watching the clock, but like most of the world, live by it. I am really attempting to go with how I feel and not what the clock says it's time to do, within reason of course, as I have to show up at work and to various appointments by the clock. In my mind, this has been named the now project, and when I find myself slipping into what will be, what if, why didn't I---I just repeat think of now, think of now, think of NOW. Even in my current life, there are many things to enjoy and have fun doing, and for the most part, that is how I am living. Most of my life takes place inside these four walls, other than the forty hours I give to my employer. I focus on the fact that I am so happy to be living in these particular four walls, and feel lucky to be doing so. When I start to worry about my future, I bring myself back to here and how grateful I am to have what I do, and to be where I am. I have changed my music preferences by choice, as like for so many of you, music takes me back to where I was, how I felt and what I was doing THEN. I have been very surprised and pleased at how much wonderful, awesome new music there is out there, even if most people think it's kind of strange that an old hag like me would buy the Black Eyed Peas latest cd. I am tired of living in the past, and worrying about the future. I am tired of feeling sad for what is gone. I am tired of feeling like I did something wrong before, or I wouldn't be in the messed up state I am in now. I am just tired of not having any enjoyment in anything. I look at my grandson and know that the future is where it's all at, but I also know that if I don't take the time to enjoy the NOW, that someday I will wish I had.

So, that is the reason I put my Christmas tree up early. Many of you have asked why, or if I usually do that. No, not usually. But it is only me here these days, and I feel like I can sit and look at the lights anytime, and that's okay. Christmas will have to be in my heart this year, as it cannot be in what's under the tree, as in years past.

I went to church last Sunday. It was a new church, I am trying to find one that "fits". I was very excited and hopeful to visit this one, I had heard the pastor speak on a local radio show, and felt very much like he said the things that I believed, and he made sense. Boy-oh-boy...did I ever choose the wrong Sunday to go. Hmm...can we say fire and brimstone and even perhaps a couple of scare tactics? I practically ran out of that place, and it left me feeling very shaken and upset. The video that was shown has haunted me since. Perhaps I will do a bit more homework before I try the next one.

I found, on the internet, the auction that was held on the 7th of this month, selling all of my fathers property (that was left), including his house. It hurt me to my core, and made me cry. Not one person called me. My own flesh-and-blood cousin was the trustee. Just one more thing that I am trying to overcome, by living in the now. Otherwise, I could go ballistic on that cousin. Many things in this life are just not right. Many things. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that Walmart, who wanted that property in Southern Missouri, and was willing to pay nearly a half a million for it, did not step up. I hope she is happy with her money, as that is all she ever saw when she looked any my dad and stepmother.

I had an MRI on my brain yesterday. I hope they find one in there, some days I wonder. But I had the contrast stuff in the vein and it made me terribly sick. I was nauseous for quite a while and then my head started banging and wouldn't stop. It was not easy to drive home after that, plus it was raining and foggy and hard to see anyway. I was happy to park the car safely and nearly crawl up to my apartment. I had to go to bed, just to get my head to stop pounding.

We are having one of "those" sales at work. You know the kind, where the vultures swoop in, basically deceive the public, sell one hell of a lot of vehicles and then they slither out. I don't like them in theory, but we are selling a ton of cars. Eventually, doing that kind of business will bite you in the backside, but for now, at least I have a ton to do during my eight hours.

Have a happy. :)


Gypsy said...

That sounds like a great plan Jamie and I hope you can be disciplined enough to make a success of it. I try to stop worrying about the future and make a concerted effort not to, but I always seem to slip back into bad habits.

I hope you get good news from the MRI. I have never had one with the dye. Sounds like I should be grateful for that small mercy.

Feel better soon and hey, there is nothing wrong with a nearly 50 year old buying a Black Eyed Peas CD. As you know I will also be 50 in March and I like Justin Timberlake for heavens sake.

Trav said...

I think you are doing well for all of the things that have come your way - you are right..we do need to live in the NOW - we waste so many days doing otherwise. A lesson for all of us and someday we will live in a place where everything will be perfect....I am glad to know that as it makes this life on earth a little easier. Love you so very much Sis xoxoxoxo

Golden To Silver Val said...

Time does go by so swiftly. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a fast flowing river, unable to stop or change course.....just no control at all. I never remember the days going by so quickly before. My dad always used to complain about that and now I know why. You know my thoughts are with you as well as prayers that everything is ok and that soon you'll be feeling almost like your old self. I hate feeling so uncertain about the future and thats what our current economic crisis is doing to all of us. Big hugs dear friend. xo

Leann said...

It amazes me when I read your blog how much we are on the same page, in the same place.

I was just contemplating putting up my Christmas tree simply because I love the ambiance it gives the house and the joy it gives my heart. I will be putting a little something out on the grandkids, but that's gonna be about it this year.

Living in the now. That's a tough one for me and something I struggle with daily. Not worrying about the past as it is just that, past. Not trying to anticipate the future because you never know what it holds. Simply enjoying the moment. The grandkids again have helped me with that because they grow and change so rapidly.

The music...I too love the Black Eyed Peas and some of the other current music that is out there right now. I can't do whole albums but select songs from each. Fergie, Celine, Brittany, etc.

Time....I do better now that I don't wear a watch. I hve been such a time concious person for so long it took me quite awhile to break that little habit. But I was losing out on life and time itself by focusing so intently on it.

O.k...well this is your blog and I've just written mine in your comments :-) I hope you have an awesome Friday and enjoy your weekend.

Blessings ~ Leann

Cheryl said...

I think I'm the person that I am because I do live in the now. Sometimes I think I'm foolish because of it. Like, it took forever for me to realize I needed to plan for retirement. And goals? Mine are to clean out my basement. It should be something huge, but, I don't think that way. And you talk like you're old. I'm older than you and I think of myself as young :)

Here's my song of the day and it's happy! I think this will link you to it:

Hugs chica! Happy night to you.

SOUL: said...

learn from the past, live in the now- and let God take care of the future.

there's my two cent's , and the hardest two cents there are to rub together, i reckon. i spend much of my own life in the past myself.. but i do try to stay in today-- and not dwell on the past-- too much. there is a lot of pain there for me-- but there are a lot of lessons there too.

as for the future-- you know how i feel about goin there-- i'm just no good at fortune tellin, or mind reading. i am always wrong in that area. just not my place to be.

my favorite 'quote ' i heard a long time ago?
"if i live with one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, i pee all over today."

so anyhow-- you really sound good here-- and it sounds like you are movin ahead-- and that's the jamie i know-- keep on truckin pal-

Susan said...

Sounds like a good in the Now. I've noticed since I started blogging again that I'm really looking at the day I'm in(mostly to find something to blog about!)but it makes me happy to really pay attention to what's going on instead of just plodding though, based on what it's time to do.

Enjoy Fergie et al under your pretty lights of the tree!

Moohaa said...

I think you have a great mindset going. Most of us could benefit from adopting it.

I am sorry you had a bad experience at the church. I have discovered that websites can tell you a lot about a church and not just by what they write about. Look for pictures. What are they of? Lots of pics of the pastors and leaders? Don't go, they are stuck on worshiping people rather than God. Look for resources on the site. I found this one church that sounded awesome, I was so excited. I read some resources they had, statements about the churches and a statement of membership. The membership statement actually said that if you became a member of the church you would submit yourself to all discipline the church felt necessary, including public discipline. WTF??? Yeah, I skipped that one.

Love you friend.

I hope your MRI turns out clear.. but with a good healthy brain in there. :)

Lena said...

Have you read Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth? All about living in the NOW.