This week is flying right by me. Every day is a blur, and I just can't keep up with them. I hope that's partly due to me trying harder to live in the moment and not in the future or past. This has been a goal of mine recently...to make sure that I don't miss something happening now, wondering what will happen next week or month, or even worse --- remembering what happened last year, or the year before. Does that make any sense? In doing that, I think I am feeling more relaxed and happy and enjoying the little things that seem to slip by most of us. When all that is focused on is the NOW, then time just slips by without notice. I hate watching the clock, but like most of the world, live by it. I am really attempting to go with how I feel and not what the clock says it's time to do, within reason of course, as I have to show up at work and to various appointments by the clock. In my mind, this has been named the now project, and when I find myself slipping into what will be, what if, why didn't I---I just repeat think of now, think of now, think of NOW. Even in my current life, there are many things to enjoy and have fun doing, and for the most part, that is how I am living. Most of my life takes place inside these four walls, other than the forty hours I give to my employer. I focus on the fact that I am so happy to be living in these particular four walls, and feel lucky to be doing so. When I start to worry about my future, I bring myself back to here and how grateful I am to have what I do, and to be where I am. I have changed my music preferences by choice, as like for so many of you, music takes me back to where I was, how I felt and what I was doing THEN. I have been very surprised and pleased at how much wonderful, awesome new music there is out there, even if most people think it's kind of strange that an old hag like me would buy the Black Eyed Peas latest cd. I am tired of living in the past, and worrying about the future. I am tired of feeling sad for what is gone. I am tired of feeling like I did something wrong before, or I wouldn't be in the messed up state I am in now. I am just tired of not having any enjoyment in anything. I look at my grandson and know that the future is where it's all at, but I also know that if I don't take the time to enjoy the NOW, that someday I will wish I had.
So, that is the reason I put my Christmas tree up early. Many of you have asked why, or if I usually do that. No, not usually. But it is only me here these days, and I feel like I can sit and look at the lights anytime, and that's okay. Christmas will have to be in my heart this year, as it cannot be in what's under the tree, as in years past.
I went to church last Sunday. It was a new church, I am trying to find one that "fits". I was very excited and hopeful to visit this one, I had heard the pastor speak on a local radio show, and felt very much like he said the things that I believed, and he made sense. Boy-oh-boy...did I ever choose the wrong Sunday to go. Hmm...can we say fire and brimstone and even perhaps a couple of scare tactics? I practically ran out of that place, and it left me feeling very shaken and upset. The video that was shown has haunted me since. Perhaps I will do a bit more homework before I try the next one.
I found, on the internet, the auction that was held on the 7th of this month, selling all of my fathers property (that was left), including his house. It hurt me to my core, and made me cry. Not one person called me. My own flesh-and-blood cousin was the trustee. Just one more thing that I am trying to overcome, by living in the now. Otherwise, I could go ballistic on that cousin. Many things in this life are just not right. Many things. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that Walmart, who wanted that property in Southern Missouri, and was willing to pay nearly a half a million for it, did not step up. I hope she is happy with her money, as that is all she ever saw when she looked any my dad and stepmother.
I had an MRI on my brain yesterday. I hope they find one in there, some days I wonder. But I had the contrast stuff in the vein and it made me terribly sick. I was nauseous for quite a while and then my head started banging and wouldn't stop. It was not easy to drive home after that, plus it was raining and foggy and hard to see anyway. I was happy to park the car safely and nearly crawl up to my apartment. I had to go to bed, just to get my head to stop pounding.
We are having one of "those" sales at work. You know the kind, where the vultures swoop in, basically deceive the public, sell one hell of a lot of vehicles and then they slither out. I don't like them in theory, but we are selling a ton of cars. Eventually, doing that kind of business will bite you in the backside, but for now, at least I have a ton to do during my eight hours.
Have a happy. :)