Friday, February 27, 2009

The wonderful wizard of oz

I have been at my new job two weeks now, and I am doing well - I haven't quit, nor have I took a swing at any of my coworkers, so I'm doing okay. I am still so behind I don't think I'll ever get caught up, but I am making progress. The problem is..there are only so many hours in a day and I get worn out-mentally, physically by the time I have been there nine or ten hours. It's easy to tell that I have not had to use my brain for almost a year...but at the same time, I am remembering the little details from the old job...and that helps in this one. I will get it together, but it's still going to take a couple more weeks. I am going to work tomorrow, I will be the only one there in my department and that should help me to get caught up. As far as the people that I work with---they are still not the greatest bunch I have ever worked with but I am dealing with it. I took care of the problem with the woman that works for me, and I did it so that everyone wins. That took some doing, but at least now she is willing to help me. I do try to put myself in their shoes, and look at things from their perspective but even when I do that, these folks are beyond what I call "helpful". I guess it's a good lesson for me, not everyone in this world is good. Sometimes people don't like you for no reason at all...yes, I knew these things but had not experienced it for years and years. Mostly I just go in, do my job and go home. That's all I want anyway. For what I am being paid here, it's all they are going to get. However, with the current state of affairs this country is in, let me say I am grateful to have it. I can live on the salary- barely- and right now, that's good enough for me.

I had dinner with Mark last night, it was the first time we had seen each other since Saturday. It was okay, although he was hoping that we could work things out sooner than we are. I am happy right now, with the way things stand. He is not. Mostly, I am just happy to be left alone most of the time. While he and I were talking, I did pick up on some unknown feelings that I have...yes, I said they are my feelings and I didn't know I felt that way. It seems I am a little pissed off, but I was not aware. It sure came out last night though, and I'm not so sure that was the kind of dinner conversation he was looking for. I can't say I fully understand where it came from, other than the time that I have had to myself I have apparently been building up some pretty good resentments. It's a place to start though, because I have built these four little walls all the way around me, and have no interest in letting anyone in. This is a new thing for me, and I wasn't even aware that I had done that, not until last night. It's not a fair thing for me to do, and now I know I have some work to do. The only excuse I can come up with is that there has just been too much...E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. For too many years. With my kids, with my family, with Mark. TOO MUCH. Because I have allowed everyone around me to expect me to fix it all, I can no longer handle even the slightest sends me over the edge. Now, I have pushed everyone away from me, and want not even the slightest intrusion. At first, I didn't understand this. Now, it's beginning to make sense. I am not sure what I need to do to correct it, but like I said before, it is a place to start. When Mark left, I wasn't sure what good being alone would do. I can now see that it will give me perspective on what needs to be done from here. I can't say if the end result will be that he and I can live happily ever after, but at this point, not losing my mind would be a great result.

And now, I am off to see the wizard. Happy Friday. :)


Mary said...

Recognizing the underlying cause is step one. Understanding it step two. You're on your way to resolution - one way or the other. I hope the two of you can work things out and be happy. Alone is good for a while but time makes alone lonely. At least that's the way I found it to abe.

Take care, my friend, and know that I'm wishing you the very best.

Mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary said...

My comment posted two times so I deleted one. Now I need to say that the deleted comment is a copy of the comment that is still there. Read this and you'll understand how my day is going.

Anonymous said...

Time alone to get some perspective is what I crave for all the time but it's a little bit trickier when you have dependent kids at home. Give yourself that time Jamie and don't let anyone pressure you into giving that up sooner than you need to. You have taken the first step to doing something for yourself and you need to follow it through to it's ultimate conclusion...whatever that may be.

I hope it works out exactly the way YOU want it to.

Brad said...

It sounds like 'me' time is exactly what you need. Don't let anyone rush you away from that now that you've found it. People may not react to well to you when your not trying to fix everything but only at first. They need to understand the 'new rules'.

Sending you hugs friend.

Wizard ?

Cheryl said...

Living here with just one child leaves me plenty of time just for me. I couldn't imagine it any other way. Like the others have said, you need this time. It will be best for everyone when you get to the place you need to be.

I hope you get a lot done tomorrow.

SOUL: said...

hey there...
just came by to see how things are goin.
i'm pretty tired, so i may have to re-read this tomorrow, when i'm more coherent. i'm not too far from sleep bloging .

well, i'm sorry you're havin a tough time--but i bet ya 100.00 -- this too shall pass.
at least that's what you told me.

this post is a little vague ; must be that i haven't slept yet.
well, maybe it's the fact that i have ten pounds of hair that i'm not used to havin.who knows.

anyhow-- hope thing settle down for you. in whichever way you will be the most happy.

josie2shoes said...

I am so very glad to read that you have given up trying to fix everything for everyone. That's not only exhausting, it's impossible and the need never ends. I too hit the point where I was so overloaded that I couldn't deal with anything, even one small issue or upset send me over the edge. You really, really need this time alone to sort out who you are, and what you want. I know you'll find the way, and in the end your life will be so much better! (And hey, those other folks will benefit from learning to stand on their own two feet too!)

audrod777 said...

wow, I thought I was the only one. I just went away for the weekend because of being too overwhelmed. I needed some alone time.
I feel ya.
And the self discovery thing is awesome! Isn't it like peeling away layers of heaviness? Now at least you know what you need to deal with.
Im sure everything will work out to your advantage w/time.