I have been at my new job two weeks now, and I am doing well - I haven't quit, nor have I took a swing at any of my coworkers, so I'm doing okay. I am still so behind I don't think I'll ever get caught up, but I am making progress. The problem is..there are only so many hours in a day and I get worn out-mentally, physically by the time I have been there nine or ten hours. It's easy to tell that I have not had to use my brain for almost a year...but at the same time, I am remembering the little details from the old job...and that helps in this one. I will get it together, but it's still going to take a couple more weeks. I am going to work tomorrow, I will be the only one there in my department and that should help me to get caught up. As far as the people that I work with---they are still not the greatest bunch I have ever worked with but I am dealing with it. I took care of the problem with the woman that works for me, and I did it so that everyone wins. That took some doing, but at least now she is willing to help me. I do try to put myself in their shoes, and look at things from their perspective but even when I do that, these folks are beyond what I call "helpful". I guess it's a good lesson for me, not everyone in this world is good. Sometimes people don't like you for no reason at all...yes, I knew these things but had not experienced it for years and years. Mostly I just go in, do my job and go home. That's all I want anyway. For what I am being paid here, it's all they are going to get. However, with the current state of affairs this country is in, let me say I am grateful to have it. I can live on the salary- barely- and right now, that's good enough for me.
I had dinner with Mark last night, it was the first time we had seen each other since Saturday. It was okay, although he was hoping that we could work things out sooner than we are. I am happy right now, with the way things stand. He is not. Mostly, I am just happy to be left alone most of the time. While he and I were talking, I did pick up on some unknown feelings that I have...yes, I said they are my feelings and I didn't know I felt that way. It seems I am a little pissed off, but I was not aware. It sure came out last night though, and I'm not so sure that was the kind of dinner conversation he was looking for. I can't say I fully understand where it came from, other than the time that I have had to myself I have apparently been building up some pretty good resentments. It's a place to start though, because I have built these four little walls all the way around me, and have no interest in letting anyone in. This is a new thing for me, and I wasn't even aware that I had done that, not until last night. It's not a fair thing for me to do, and now I know I have some work to do. The only excuse I can come up with is that there has just been too much...E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. For too many years. With my kids, with my family, with Mark. TOO MUCH. Because I have allowed everyone around me to expect me to fix it all, I can no longer handle even the slightest upset...it sends me over the edge. Now, I have pushed everyone away from me, and want not even the slightest intrusion. At first, I didn't understand this. Now, it's beginning to make sense. I am not sure what I need to do to correct it, but like I said before, it is a place to start. When Mark left, I wasn't sure what good being alone would do. I can now see that it will give me perspective on what needs to be done from here. I can't say if the end result will be that he and I can live happily ever after, but at this point, not losing my mind would be a great result.
And now, I am off to see the wizard. Happy Friday. :)