Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wednesday's child is full of woe

I didn't go to the hospital yesterday. I was supposed to go back into my office for training, but I didn't do that either. I have not had one second to pick up my book, and there was no way I could go in and look like a complete ass. So, I have to reschedule that...It's really hard to stay focused on learning all of it when so much other negative, rotten and crappy stuff is happening.

My mom was supposed to go home yesterday for a few days...and that didn't happen. No one is sure why that didn't happen, because no one asks questions when I am not there. Apparently---and I have only surmised this theory, but there was a chest xray done early in the morning, and I am assuming that it didn't look good enough yet - from the pneumonia, I mean. So, the plan is maybe today. She did have her biopsy done on Monday, but he PET scan has been put off until next week. The test results will be in hopefully by the end of this week.

I did go look at another apartment with Craig, and he really liked it. So, with any luck, we will be moving him by the end of this month. I also cleaned this place I call home from top to bottom. That took almost all my energy---well that and the walk I took early in the morning. Then I had the clan over for dinner, well the clan minus my oldest, she couldn't make it. She was missed.

There are so many things happening in my life...and most of them, I just don't feel at liberty to discuss. They are not directly my problems, or they are my problems but they are related to someone else, and this is not a public forum for airing my grievances, no matter how much I wish to do so. However, to act like these things are not happening is not possible. All I can say is, after a night of trying to understand so many different relationships in my life, I have decided that there is nothing I can do about any of it. As usual, I have screwed things up by trying to help. I have screwed things up because I choose to believe in people even when I know I shouldn't. I always think that this time will be different. And when it isn't I am surprised. Who is the idiot now? So, I take full responsibility for my part in all of it, and since you don't know who I am talking about, I'll just tell you that relates to a couple of different problems I am facing at this time. I keep waiting for the time when things calm down a little---again, how can I be so dumb? That is not going to happen, not now, not ever. And I am tired of losing sleep over all of it. I have made many mistakes, and while they have all been made because I thought that what I was doing was good, that is no excuse. I will stay out of every one's misery from now on. Period. I may be really REALLY slow, but eventually I do learn. Sadly, it's rarely before more damage has been done.

Today, I am off to the hospital once again. Then I have to shop this evening - save me. :)


Terri said...

so sorry; seems like your "crappy plate" is full again. You carry so many loved one's burdens its a wonder you haven't caved. Stay strong and I'm sure the involvement you have in those problems will be appreciated, if not now, some day.

Smocha said...

geez! I hear ya. Why can't we just be cruel and turn our backs on everyone? lol

"What? you're life is in shambles? Well get away from ME! "
Ha! Like that will ever happen.

Hope the crap lightens up soon.

I'm off to a funeral in timbucktoo.
Save me as well:)


Brad said...

My favorite quote comes from Latisha Baldridge, Jackie Kennedy's social secretary.
"No good deed goes un-punished"

I think I have an idea of how you feel. Try and not be too hard on your self -

Sending you love!


Golden To Silver Val said...

Sigh..yep, Brad summed it all up quite well. I do the same thing...I always seem to have this UNSHAKABLE faith in people and most of the time I'm disappointed...sorry to say. But I never do learn my lesson. I was born on a Wednesday....don't tell me you were too!! And I've come to the conclusion if everyone would just solve their own problems and LEAVE me out of it...then I wouldn't be a child of woe! Oh they goes on. Big BIG hugs to you. I can only imagine what you're going through...but hike up the bra straps and put a smile on your face cause sometimes WE DO make a difference. I guess that's why we keep doing it. Sending prayers to your mom and prayers for the angels to give you strength. Love, Charlotte.

Maria said...

Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up in the air and scream, "SHIT!" at the top of your lungs.

It helps.

M Chickk said...

Hugs girl, BIG HUGS to ya!!

Cheryl said...

Keep writing to us. We're always on your side.

Kelly Jene said...

I love you and though it's all I have to offer, I hope it makes you smile.

SOUL: said...

i'm lookin for yeeewwwwwwww---- helllooooooo?
you up yet?
are you sayin you don't want me to share my misery no mo?
ok, i won't.
i;m not far off from sittin around droolin on myself unable to speak anyhow :))
i hope you have a really good day today--
which is thursday btw--
runnin behind--as usual. sorry,'i still love ya-- just can't keep with my life.
i think it's time for shady pines for this ole gal. ya reckon?
later j

Portia said...

Hey there...
I'm on lunch & don't really have time to catch up right now, but wanted to pop in and let you know I've been thinking about you and all those that are yours. Lots of hugs:)


Be YOU--and if other people cannot except that--then walk away from them--don't change you to accomodate them---if help is your nature--well, help.

It's ashame people aren't appreciative of your "means well" --there are many people that would love to have you in their life helping them out---

I for one would.
Be You!
And when you head to Vegas please play one full deck of blackjack. :)

Mary said...

I'm way, way behind, Jamie. I'm sorry you are mired down and feeling a bit down. If I could, I'd give you a hug and we'd sit down and have a good cry together. Then a few drinks to bury everything that is bothering us.