So, I spoke to my ex husband on the phone last night. I haven't talked with him in years, not since my kids have been out of high school and it dawned on me that I was no longer "required" to put up with him or his bullshit, in the name of "the good of the children". He called here to speak to me, although Janelle intercepted the call, I'm sure hoping that there would be no issues between the two of us---not that there ever has been really, I have seriously gone out of my way to keep the peace, at my own expense-always-but last night I was tired physically and emotionally drained. However, he spoke with her, asking a few more techincal questions about the baby and her situation, and then asked to talk with me.
It was past eight, I had just gotten home from work, and all I really wanted to do was eat my oatmeal and veg out with no thoughts in front of the televsion before I went to sleep. I heard the tone in her voice though, and once again, I took the phone, thinking I was probably making a huge mistake. Surprisingly, the tone in his voice was one that mirrored my feelings, nothing but pain. He wanted to know, for sure, positively and without question, what she had been telling him was right, and not all balled up in emotion and misinformation. That made me laugh a little, because sadly - he doesn't know our daughter if he thought that was remotely possible. She is THE most informed person I have ever known, about anything that MIGHT have anything to do with her or anyone around her. But on that issue, I decided to consider the source, and realized that he doesn't know her. So, I answered his questions, and told him the truth, that no -- there is no hope that the baby can survive, if in fact a miracle did occur and it would live, there would be zero quality of life-too many health issues, brain issues, nearly no organs would work right...and that while she might actually lose it on her own, the fact is that unless she does something about it now, she is risking her own physical and mental health, a risk that I certainly am not willing to take, and one that she is afraid of as well. I explained that we have been dealing with doctors that are in the business of saving high risk babies born to high risk mothers, the best this state has to offer, that we are not dealing with some little general practitioner here, and if doctors of that caliber are saying there is no hope, then there is no hope. On one level, the questions really ticked me off - give me a break, our daughter is twenty eight years old! But then, I heard that crack in his voice, and the tears came...and once again, my heart broke. And then I remembered the man he used to be, the one that I married, so many lifetimes ago, and what a wonderful father he was to babies, how much he loved, cared for, cherished little babies. Had it been left up to him, we would have had a dozen of them. Thank goodness, I had a smarter head on my shoulders.
That set me back, more than a little. I am apparently not capable of feeling very much revenge, ugliness and anger. At that moment, there were so many things I could have said and done, so many things that he has done to me over the years, just at that moment when I needed him to be there, to understand, to just for one second, not put himself first. All of those things came to mind, but I couldn't. My heart opened up, and I understood. After all, this is our daughter we are talking about, our grandchild. And frankly, I had been in that very place emotionally that he was for the past couple of weeks. And when it opened up to him for understanding, it cracked just a little bit more, under everything else, where I don't let anyone go. And I should have known better than to take that call.