Thursday, January 31, 2008

Bandaid anyone?

So, I spoke to my ex husband on the phone last night. I haven't talked with him in years, not since my kids have been out of high school and it dawned on me that I was no longer "required" to put up with him or his bullshit, in the name of "the good of the children". He called here to speak to me, although Janelle intercepted the call, I'm sure hoping that there would be no issues between the two of us---not that there ever has been really, I have seriously gone out of my way to keep the peace, at my own expense-always-but last night I was tired physically and emotionally drained. However, he spoke with her, asking a few more techincal questions about the baby and her situation, and then asked to talk with me.

It was past eight, I had just gotten home from work, and all I really wanted to do was eat my oatmeal and veg out with no thoughts in front of the televsion before I went to sleep. I heard the tone in her voice though, and once again, I took the phone, thinking I was probably making a huge mistake. Surprisingly, the tone in his voice was one that mirrored my feelings, nothing but pain. He wanted to know, for sure, positively and without question, what she had been telling him was right, and not all balled up in emotion and misinformation. That made me laugh a little, because sadly - he doesn't know our daughter if he thought that was remotely possible. She is THE most informed person I have ever known, about anything that MIGHT have anything to do with her or anyone around her. But on that issue, I decided to consider the source, and realized that he doesn't know her. So, I answered his questions, and told him the truth, that no -- there is no hope that the baby can survive, if in fact a miracle did occur and it would live, there would be zero quality of life-too many health issues, brain issues, nearly no organs would work right...and that while she might actually lose it on her own, the fact is that unless she does something about it now, she is risking her own physical and mental health, a risk that I certainly am not willing to take, and one that she is afraid of as well. I explained that we have been dealing with doctors that are in the business of saving high risk babies born to high risk mothers, the best this state has to offer, that we are not dealing with some little general practitioner here, and if doctors of that caliber are saying there is no hope, then there is no hope. On one level, the questions really ticked me off - give me a break, our daughter is twenty eight years old! But then, I heard that crack in his voice, and the tears came...and once again, my heart broke. And then I remembered the man he used to be, the one that I married, so many lifetimes ago, and what a wonderful father he was to babies, how much he loved, cared for, cherished little babies. Had it been left up to him, we would have had a dozen of them. Thank goodness, I had a smarter head on my shoulders.

That set me back, more than a little. I am apparently not capable of feeling very much revenge, ugliness and anger. At that moment, there were so many things I could have said and done, so many things that he has done to me over the years, just at that moment when I needed him to be there, to understand, to just for one second, not put himself first. All of those things came to mind, but I couldn't. My heart opened up, and I understood. After all, this is our daughter we are talking about, our grandchild. And frankly, I had been in that very place emotionally that he was for the past couple of weeks. And when it opened up to him for understanding, it cracked just a little bit more, under everything else, where I don't let anyone go. And I should have known better than to take that call.

17 comments:

JYankee said...

well... i like your title... i can send you a bandaid from here...soothing out all those nasty doubts and thoughts...from across the Pacific...*sigh* ((((hugs))) is all i can offer you right now....

Golden To Silver Val said...

I sure wish I could offer you more, but all I have is cyber hugs and the fact that I really do care. I know you know you won't find out the reason for all this, but we have to have faith that their IS one. Big hugs to D.

Cheryl said...

Just stopping by because you're on my mind. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but so glad you have your family together to deal with this.

SOUL: said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
abbagirl74 said...

You never cease to amaze me. You are such an awesome person/mom. To show such compassion to him about the situation speaks volumes about your integrity. You should be so proud of yourself and your daughter.

BTW, how are YOU feeling?

Josie Two Shoes said...

I think you know how well I understand the mixed bag of intense emotions this phone call was. Hard as it was, you took the high road and I don't think you'll ever be sorry for that. Right now it is all about your daughter and the baby, and loving them is one thing you both have in common. My heart and prayers are with all of you.

Terri said...

wow; that's incredibly heartwrenching; your daughter's situation and all that old emotional stuff too. You handled it well, thanks for sharing.

Foster Communications said...

I have some Strawberry Shortcake Band-Aids. They're quite cute. :)

I think maybe, in a bit, you'll be glad you took that call. It can only help your daughter to have the two of you love her. To have you deal with the questions she doesn't have the heart to answer another time. To know that despite it all he loves her and her baby too.

And what about you? Are you still remembering to take care of you?

Rebecca said...

I think it is awesome that you took that call. I am sure it was emotionally very taxing, but in the end, it was important for you to both be there for your daughter, and for each other. There will be many hard days ahead before the healing begins. And we are all sending our thoughts and prayers for all of you.

Mary said...

Soul said exactly what I feel. I know it's hard for you but it's the right thing to do. If your daughter can take some measure of comfort from her father it will help in her healing process.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with yet something else that's tramatic to you. Ex-husbands can be a pathetic breed. Believe me, I know!

ac said...

I am in total awe of you and your family. How close you are and how you all rise above and take the high road when it would be so much easier not to. I will be keeping you and your exceptional family in my thoughts today. Blessing to you and your DD. ac

Kelly Jene said...

I was praying for you and your precious daughter as I fell asleep. The prayers will continue.

True and real emotions come out during times like this. You can't play games when your faced with this situation. Sounds like he really let emotion show.

Hugs.

CCC said...

The past. Ah yes. Ex husbands -- sigh. I am praying for you and D. I wish I could say something to make you feel better -- just know you are in my prayers.

Maria said...

You knew him well enough to understand the catch in his voice. What a gift you gave to him by talking to him. It is so like you, though.

I hadn't talked to my ex in over ten years and when I ran into her in the grocery store, I could tell just by the expression on her face that she had been having a stressful day of it. I thought to myself that even after all these years, I can still read her facial expressions.....how odd.

Gypsy said...

Sorry I'm so late getting here Jamie...You are really being tested at the moment aren't you? You did the right thing in taking the call because right now its all about D and the baby and getting her through this horrendous ordeal. You are an awesome mother Jamie and D is extremely lucky to have you and all her family in her corner.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of perseverance — i.e., believing that a positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.


I hope for all of you guys, that time is gentle and passes by quickly healing the painful present.

I'll pray for hope for all of you!!

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

Amanda said...

(((((((Jamie))))))))

Please don't feel bad about doing this, not at all. Only a BIG woman could have done it.