Wednesday, February 21, 2007

What now?

I don't even know how to begin this post. If you can believe it, I am a loss for words. I know, I know, it's hard for me to believe, too. I am completely lost, and have no idea what to do. It has been decided that I will move, as I do not want to live here, in this house, by myself. So, I began apartment hunting yesterday, although I didn't get too far. I will continue today. It was really strange here last evening, all things seemed normal, and i had to keep reminding myself that they were not. I seriously do believe that separating is the best thing, I just didn't expect it to be so hard. He is really my friend. More than anything else. It isn't the best situation for a marriage, but it isn't bad for a roommate thing. But when your husband/wife is only your friend, it leaves alot of things lacking. Alot. So, I will pull myself together and get on with it. I only wish it was as easy as it sounds. For the past couple of years, I have been out in the middle of the ocean, trying to stay afloat, all alone. Occasionally, when I couldn't do it anymore, there would be a very small life boat offered to me by H. And now I won't have the small boat anymore, either. Evidently, I am a leaner. I never thought I was, and I never wanted to be. It must have taken alot to hold me up, I have had the weight of some tremendous problems weighing on me, and he has had the responsibility of keeping us both upright. Too much weight. For anyone. These are not his words, they are mine. But I can see the truth so easily. He is as lost as I am, and that breaks my heart. On one hand, that's a good thing, because I haven't FELT anything for so long. Nothing. No feelings. I really have zero idea what I want, how I feel, nothing. I don't know when that happened, or how. I think I have had to DEAL with so many things for so long, that feelings just get turned off, for survival. My blog title is funny, a joke. But it is the truth. Everyone has turned to me for so long to take care of EVERYTHING. Partly my fault, because I have always managed to do so. I thought it was my job to handle everyones troubles, emotional, financial, etc. Now look at the mess it has made of my life. And it has left me with nothing to deal with my own. I have nothing left. It scares me. I know in my gut that the only way that I am going to survive is to go back to square one. I have to take care of me. And only me. The sound of that is so selfish, so juvenile. But I know it to be true. I don't want what is happening to my marriage. I really don't. But I see no other way to keep myself from jumping. No, I am not suicidal---I am only speaking metaphorically. Too much for the morning, too much truth, way too much pain. I have got to get it together today, all I managed to do yesterday was think. Today I have got to get something accomplished. Anything...

I did get a new phone yesterday. I have no clue how to use it. It will take me weeks to figure it out. Oh, to be young, and to just instinctively know this stuff. I hope your day is good, mine certainly has to improve.

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