Monday, February 19, 2007
Me and Hank
Another week beginning. I had hoped that this new week would be the start of better things, but I am in the process of deciding that this is what it is. And no more. I have done the attitude adjusting thing, and swore to myself that no matter what, this past weekend would be better for H and I. And it wasn't. And it isn't me at all. And that surprises me. (Yes, I know that a sentence doesn't start with and-but I am a break-the-rules kind of gal.) In any event, what we have here is NO failure to communicate, at least on my end, but a feeling failure on his. He doesn't care any more. Does that make me sad? A little. Mostly, it pisses me off that i have gone around here feeling all guilty about ME, and what I have done to this relationship. He, on the other hand, has had every bit as much to do with it as me, and he has let me wallow in my guilt. He would argue this point, however. He would say that he cares, blah blah blah blah. But I have done a couple of VERY blatant things within the realm a normal relationship, things that shall remain nameless, because I can rarely tell the things that I do that might make me look needy, and I have gotten zero response. Zero. And Holy Hell, that's okay. We feel what we feel, and no more. Lies can be told, all the time, every day. No, I am not accusing him of lying. What I am saying is that we can lie like dogs, but feelings-well, those are hard to hide. Or muster up. Or to pretend about. You can't help what is or what aint. Leaving them unspoken, however, is chickenshit. And I hate Chickenshit. Hate it. Because when we get to the end of this this, he can swear up and down that is not what he meant, BECAUSE HE NEVER ADMITTED IT. In his mind, it can still be my fault. Hey, whatever gets you through the night. Hank Williams' got nothin on me, darlin. In case you don't have a clue what i mean, I'd say it's pretty much all over but the cryin. Over and out.