Ridiculous

Me - taking so long to get back here and write --- RIDICULOUS!

I would say "I'm sorry" once again, but none of you would believe me. And I wouldn't blame you for thinking I'm full of it. And so, now comes the excuses:  or actually the reasons, because that does sound better and honestly, me not keeping up here hasn't been malicious or planned.

Things have just been wrong. Really wrong, for quite some time, now.

My surgery was not successful. I am now in a bit more pain than I was prior to having it. No, there is no reason for that --- just my luck, I guess. It has taken a very long time to heal, this time. I am still not completely solid there, and it has been eleven weeks! But, that area has been cut open many, many times and each time, it takes a bit longer to grow back together.

My insurance company has made my life a nightmare, in any and every way it can. Just three days prior to this huge surgery, I received a letter stating that they had reversed their prior decision and had now decided NOT to cover the surgery. I had two full days of frantic phone calls, and serious worry, but in the end, they changed their minds one more time and covered it.  I had to get everyone but God on the phone, (I had him on the prayer line, tho). It was a miracle that I managed to get them to reverse the decision, I had to get the state Insurance Commissioner involved, and even then, me - getting this awful, awful company to change their minds, a miracle. Seriously. Although so far, I'm feeling no positive effects from having it done. I still have a glimmer of hope - because it hasn't fully healed yet, so I still pray that when it does, there will be less pain. I'm afraid there will be no improvement until ALL the hardware is out of there, and I'm not sure my doctor will do that. He is worried about fracture - his terminology, not mine. So, I see him again in a couple of weeks, I will know more after that.

My sweet kitty Mason died. This time, I knew it was coming, he was quite sick and had been for a couple of years. It was a blessing and relief, but also it tore me up. I miss him in ways I didn't even know about --- we were a three kitty household at Christmas, now we are down to one kitty. It feels very empty here, even though Mason was never really "around". He kept to himself (unless he could wake me up, THEN he wanted to party). Even at his sickest, he was quiet, and he slept nearly all the time. But when he was awake, he was crying for food. It was constant. We fed him tiny amounts, literally around the clock. But at the very end, he quit eating and was drinking a tiny bit once a day. I had been worried about him just dying when he was here with me alone, but I also didn't want to have to make the decision to have it done. In the end, I knew very well when it was time to have it done. He was in pain, he could hardly get around, he was so weak and stumbly..... it was awful but it was time. I got to say good bye to him - tell him I loved him, one more time.....  Even when you know it time and it's right, it's still very hard. Poor Mark, he always has to take care of these things, all by himself. But he always does it, never complains, although it's as hard on him as it is on me. We cried together, like we always do --- and we got on with life. Now, the place just "feels" different. I am surprised how much I miss Meisha --- she was sort of the one that never asked for much, of the three, she was the quiet one, but I realize now that she was the one that made me laugh all the time. That little girl had a funny way about her, and she loved to make us laugh. Even though often you never really knew we had kitties, the loss of their presence feel so huge. I can't really explain it --- it just feel wrong. But I do not want to rush out and replace them. I never meant to have three kitties, you all know how that is, it just happens. As much as I loved them (and I did, oh-so-much) - I'm not ready to rush into the messes that I don'r have right now. One kitty makes a mess - three makes a HUGE mess. And I don't miss that.

And there is so much more to say --- but I just can't right now. I'll get back here just as soon as I can.

Take care --

J.