Friday, October 07, 2011

Too many cats and other random babble

Friday. Friday's are more fun when they have been earned, since I was unable to make it to work yesterday, I am not worthy. I got up yesterday, knowing that I was in really bad shape. I prayed and hoped for improvement, as I had more than three hours to receive my mini-miracle. The pain in my neck was radiating to my head, creating one of those "sick headaches" where you aren't sure if you're going to pass out or puke. I took at least one of everything in my arsenal of medications, drank coffee, waited for it to subside. With the minutes ticking by, the pain in the rest of me took over. My buzzy, numb feet and legs subsided to crampy calves and feet, pain radiating up to my lower back. And yet, I pressed on, getting myself ready to go, attempting presentable, as on days such as this that is the best that can be hoped for. I stood in my bathroom and cried, more tears, and we all know they do not help, they are of no use. I hate that I am becoming a helpless blubber-er. That has never been my way, but more and more, that's what I do. Tears for me are a last resort, useless. Useless. They are sign of my own weakness and I am never allowed weakness, not by me. I am becoming weak. I am becoming useless. I am becoming un-responsible, and I cannot be counted on. I wish I could tell you how much that has always meant to me. I am one to be trusted, relied on, a woman of my word, dammit. If I say something, it can be trusted and taken to the bank. Now --- my lack of options regarding my pain, my problems, my spine, and all that's connected leaves me being one of those people. All I have are my intentions and they mean absolutely nothing. I hate it. I hate it so bad. But there I stood, bullishly not giving in. I pressed on, knowing that I would never make it. I didn't. I admitted defeat once again, letting my girls know I couldn't be there once again. I know how they feel about it, I know what they say when I am not there. I have no defense. It is what it is. And that leaves me being just what I am. If anyone cared to think beyond that situation at hand, I pray that they would come to the conclusion that I would certainly do and be better if I had any say in the matter whatsoever.

And so it goes.

Trav is here. She is the best at understanding my limitations, had no expectations of any kind. She lets me be sick and unable, laying down-sleeping--all fine with her. She entertains herself and just enjoys being here. Its been almost a year since she spent time with me here, so this visit was badly needed. The rest of the clan arrives later today and tonight. Craig's plane gets in around three-thirty, Shell - the other sister and her family, arrive this evening. I am greatly looking forward to the madness. This is the sort of thing that I would have put off until I felt better, in the past few years. Recently however, I have realized that this is it - that I may never feel better and I had better get on with the business of living. I guarantee it will be a crazy weekend, and that is just what I need. Janelle and family and Jordy and Tegan will be here, hit and miss. Jordy's birthday is Tuesday, so we will celebrate that with him on Saturday.

All in all, I am looking forward to it, and trying not to look any other place. Too many questions and no answers. I did see the "therapist" this week about the spine stimulator, and I feel certain that I passed the requirements for having it put in place. I don't know yet when that will happen but I do know that it is my only hope. If it does not work fairly quickly then I will be making arrangements to leave my job - go on disability, No it is NOT what i want. But I cannot continue this way.

I have cleaned up broken glass more times than I can count this week. Tonka loves the experience of watching liquids spill. If he loses a glass (or ten) of club soda along the way, oh well. Many mornings I walk into the kitchen to find my glass of club soda from last evening annihilated.

Note to self: put glasses in dishwasher.

Many things to do this day, from making shopping lists and delegating jobs to making it to work and baking caramel bars. Vacuuming really should be on that list, too. So far, I feel like I can remain on my feet, I am hopeful that I can stay that way.

Have a very good weekend, y'all. I am gone.  :)


welcome to my world of poetry said...

I always enjoy your posts and this one was no exception,

Have a grand week-end.

Coffeypot said...

Maybe having your family around will make you feel better. It may be just what you need. I hope so. Have a fun, hectic weekend.

On The Road Again said...

Oh Jamie, sometimes life just sucks doesn't it, there is no other word for it! I hope you can get the stimulator put in soon and it will help. Thank you for one bit of advice that was tucked into the middle of your blog. It stood out to me like it was written in neon. You realized it might not get any better and you better get on with the business of living. That is just what I needed to hear. I have laid around all week thinking when I feel better I will do something and all I did was waste a week. Thanks for the advice. Hope you have a great weekend with everyone there.

Leann said...

Jamie my dearest friend. You know I love you so please take what I am about to say in that light.
Limitations are things we put upon ourselves. Your body may limit you from being what you consider strong and dependable. There is a purpose for all of this. It does not mean we have to understand or even like it. There is another direction you are to go in with all of this. Try to leave your mind open to the possibilities. Instead of seeing how this all limits you, consider how it may also be freeing you. Because you cannot work out of the home does not mean there is not a home business you can't do that fits the demands and limitations of your lifestyle and health. I hate to hear you say that you are becoming 'one of those people'. For every one 'fake' there are 10 who truly are real. Take heart my dear. Your strength is still there. You just may have to open another door to find it again. Blessings sweetie.

Lena said...

It takes strength to be in touch with feelings and cry.

Believe me, I know crying does not change reality, but there is a healing process in it.

Be kind to yourself.

i am so glad your family is coming and that you choose to get on and live your life despite the pain.

Cheryl said...

Your medical limitations suck. Big time. Find your joy where you can Jamie. It's time for a new normal.

I'm so glad your family is with you.

Anonymous said...

We (human beings with self imposed limitations) don't realize our capability to heal ourselves until challanged. You are facing some big challanges in that area. I am following your journey with love.

The biggest weapon in my arsenol of healing has been yoga. It calms the mind, and that's where the real work takes place.

I wish you Peace and wish I had been a hippie :)

Maria said...

Oh Jamie, I feel for you. I live in constant pain & it is hard to pretend that things are A-OK. Just the other night, after dinner
out, my Aunt & I stood up talking at the table because both of us needed a minute before we could take that first, painful step. Since I've started working again & I'm on my feet for hours at a time, my heel spurs, knees & lower back pain are raging. It is hell being in pain but we are warriors, aren't we? Enjoy being with your family & take it easy. Don't push yourself. Praying it will get easier.