Friday. Friday's are more fun when they have been earned, since I was unable to make it to work yesterday, I am not worthy. I got up yesterday, knowing that I was in really bad shape. I prayed and hoped for improvement, as I had more than three hours to receive my mini-miracle. The pain in my neck was radiating to my head, creating one of those "sick headaches" where you aren't sure if you're going to pass out or puke. I took at least one of everything in my arsenal of medications, drank coffee, waited for it to subside. With the minutes ticking by, the pain in the rest of me took over. My buzzy, numb feet and legs subsided to crampy calves and feet, pain radiating up to my lower back. And yet, I pressed on, getting myself ready to go, attempting presentable, as on days such as this that is the best that can be hoped for. I stood in my bathroom and cried, more tears, and we all know they do not help, they are of no use. I hate that I am becoming a helpless blubber-er. That has never been my way, but more and more, that's what I do. Tears for me are a last resort, useless. Useless. They are sign of my own weakness and I am never allowed weakness, not by me. I am becoming weak. I am becoming useless. I am becoming un-responsible, and I cannot be counted on. I wish I could tell you how much that has always meant to me. I am one to be trusted, relied on, a woman of my word, dammit. If I say something, it can be trusted and taken to the bank. Now --- my lack of options regarding my pain, my problems, my spine, and all that's connected leaves me being one of those people. All I have are my intentions and they mean absolutely nothing. I hate it. I hate it so bad. But there I stood, bullishly not giving in. I pressed on, knowing that I would never make it. I didn't. I admitted defeat once again, letting my girls know I couldn't be there once again. I know how they feel about it, I know what they say when I am not there. I have no defense. It is what it is. And that leaves me being just what I am. If anyone cared to think beyond that situation at hand, I pray that they would come to the conclusion that I would certainly do and be better if I had any say in the matter whatsoever.
And so it goes.
Trav is here. She is the best at understanding my limitations, had no expectations of any kind. She lets me be sick and unable, laying down-sleeping--all fine with her. She entertains herself and just enjoys being here. Its been almost a year since she spent time with me here, so this visit was badly needed. The rest of the clan arrives later today and tonight. Craig's plane gets in around three-thirty, Shell - the other sister and her family, arrive this evening. I am greatly looking forward to the madness. This is the sort of thing that I would have put off until I felt better, in the past few years. Recently however, I have realized that this is it - that I may never feel better and I had better get on with the business of living. I guarantee it will be a crazy weekend, and that is just what I need. Janelle and family and Jordy and Tegan will be here, hit and miss. Jordy's birthday is Tuesday, so we will celebrate that with him on Saturday.
All in all, I am looking forward to it, and trying not to look any other place. Too many questions and no answers. I did see the "therapist" this week about the spine stimulator, and I feel certain that I passed the requirements for having it put in place. I don't know yet when that will happen but I do know that it is my only hope. If it does not work fairly quickly then I will be making arrangements to leave my job - go on disability, No it is NOT what i want. But I cannot continue this way.
I have cleaned up broken glass more times than I can count this week. Tonka loves the experience of watching liquids spill. If he loses a glass (or ten) of club soda along the way, oh well. Many mornings I walk into the kitchen to find my glass of club soda from last evening annihilated.
Note to self: put glasses in dishwasher.
Many things to do this day, from making shopping lists and delegating jobs to making it to work and baking caramel bars. Vacuuming really should be on that list, too. So far, I feel like I can remain on my feet, I am hopeful that I can stay that way.
Have a very good weekend, y'all. I am gone. :)