I cannot sleep. This is unusual, as normally I can get at least five hours before I start the up and down, but tonight I only managed about an hour before I am wide awake. I think I woke up when the cat fell out of bed. She is a big old girl, and the boom created when she fell off of my tall bed must have been heard building-wide. (She's okay.) So now I am eating sugar-free fudgesicles, drinking club soda, and wondering why I'm cold.
In just over twenty-four hours, I will be having a birthday, turning another dreaded year older. Yes, I know it beats the alternative but I have to tell you this aging thing really bites the big one. Fifty one. That sounds so old, and in my heart I know it can't be true. My mirror though, knows otherwise. Every year, every wrinkle, every grey hair stares back at me in defiance. The past twelve months or so, I have spent too much time fighting the inevitable. I give in. The war is lost, I am aging, and without grace. Each morning holds yet another line and I cannot keep up. I no longer even care to. I am what I am, God gave me beauty in my youth, and now I assume I will pay for it. The beauty is hard to let go of but it's a fight that can't be won. I will continue to buy the creams and lotions but just can't obsess over it any more. I will continue to color out the grey, after all---there is no need to add thirty years overnight. I will also continue to work out the body both for health and vanity, but seriously-I cannot keep worrying about all of this. Not only do I have to deal with aging, but aging while chronically sick and taking major drugs only adds to the ugliness. Again, I cannot fix it. So...mentally, I give. I wave the white flag and will stop all the crazy. I totally understand that beauty comes from within. I feel that way whole heartedly about others but have never allowed that belief for myself. I hope others can feel that way about me. To use a quote from Leonard Cohen that I have come to love--I'll "ring the bells that still can ring".
And now, I hear an episode of Seinfeld calling my name. Good night.