Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dear Diary

Yesterday---March 22, was my mom's birthday. She would have been 76. In October, she will have been gone for three years. It does get easier---I don't cry as much anymore, but the feelings are still intense. Especially on the anniversary days---like yesterday. I remembered so many birthdays...most good, all important, each one celebrated. I would give anything I have for just another birthday with her, or even just a conversation. Many things I wish I had told her when I could. Many things I have only learned since she is gone. But I would want the mom that wasn't so desperately sick to come back for a bit, not the one that suffered so. The well mom is the one I miss. The happy mom. The one that loved to laugh, and she and I would get started and not be able to stop. We had at least a gazillion silly moments, where we just couldn't stop laughing. She was funny...really, really funny. And I made her laugh, the kind of laugh that comes from the lower half. We found humor in everydamnedthing. It was awesome. Suffice it to say, I miss her. I honor her. I love her.

Yesterday was also the 6th anniversary of the death of my most-ever-loved-animal, my Snowman. He died on the 22nd--in 2005. My life forever changed after that, I have never, ever been the same. It sounds dramatic, but it's absolutely the truth. His passing set forth my desire to get out of Dodge - to move from the home that had been ours for so many years, the place I raised my kids. I could no longer come home to that place and not want to cry---missing his greetings, his gruntings, his nasty, smelly, "oh how I love and missed you" kisses. (He was a Sharpei.)No I am not being ridiculous and dramatic---but seriously, I often wonder where my life would be now, had he not died. It took three years, but I got us out of small town hell. We moved to the city, and the things that took place here led to the demise of my marriage. Most likely, that would have happened anyway, I just am wondering out loud how those things would have occurred otherwise. 2005 was an extremely bad year. I can name the dates that each disastrous event took place, beginning with the death of my father on first of the year- the first. (I should have known what kind of year lay ahead, you know?)Like I tell my kids often.."and you wonder why I drink".

However, since the day was rather sad and crappy, and I was still feeling really rough - physically- I decided the heck with it and went out to dinner. Had a good time with Jordy and Tegan and Mark. Except when will I learn that seared Ahi Tuna is freakin' raw? I mean, seriously, how many times do I have to order it? Bleh.

Then on the way home, we were in the hailstorm from hell. I am certain my poor car will need a visit to the bodyshop, but I have not seen it yet. Jordy has it since his is in my shop at work, and I am driving the loaner car because I just don't have the nerve to tempt the bad luck gods at my age.

And so, I survived the 22nd of March one more time. Only a few tears shed, mostly a good day. I'm out.


Coffeypot said...

If I may say, don’t you think it’s about time you set those dates aside? They are keeping you sad. Those that have gone KNOW you loved them as they loved you, too. And they would tell you to move on. That doesn’t mean you stop remembering them, just don’t pine for things you can’t have. Look instead at the great things you have now and to the future and all that good things life can give you. Hugs anyway!

Lena said...

You made it through the day! Good for you. hugs!

Cheryl said...

I miss my old mom. The one before the stroke. I don't spend much time thinking about what used to be, but every once-in-a-while I remember.

I'm glad your sad day is behind you for another year.

Tomorrow's Thursday. Oh no :)

Leann said...

Hey sweetie. Know that every time you think so strongly about those you love, they are right beside you. Just because they no longer live on this plain does not mean they are gone. They are just in another dimension. They never leave you. Continue to laugh with your mother and love your friend. They are never truly gone.

Have a blessed day and a great weekend :-) *sincere hugs*

Vicki said...

What everyone else has said,i remember some of these events, hugs to an old blogging friend, glad the sad day is over for you, now time for you to have a happy day, one time a happy day is the day I fly out to see lena......its a friend happy fest......