Sunday, December 21, 2008

Egads

So, I quit blogging more than three weeks ago. The problem is, I am seriously missing the outlet that it provides. AND THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE MADE HERE. My head knows I don't blog anymore, but my heart doesn't. I will come home from some event or happening or see something on tv and think "I need to be sure and write about this". And then, I'll remember that I don't DO that anymore. I'm not completely sure why I thought it better to quit, other than the deep despair I find myself in recently, and the lack of wanting to whine 24/7 here and run off all the people that mean so much to me. So, I ran you all of first, intentionally...I guess. Typical move for this old woman.

There are only a few days left until Christmas. You can see that by looking at this apartment, the tree is up (yes, that stupid looking corner tree) and the gifts are piled below...and beside and next to...because the damned thing is so tiny, there is nearly NO under at all. However, there is no Christmas for me in my heart this year. I am trying so hard, but it's forced and ugly and full of sadness and despair. The smarter side of me says that I have no right to feel this way...I have millions of blessings, and what is Christmas all about other than the birth of Jesus? Whether I feel it in my heart or not, that event took place and a celebration is necessary. But the stupid side of me begs to differ...

I have apparently been "dropped off" in someone else's life. It's a life I don't like and I want the comfort, albeit monotony, of my old life back. This new life that I am living doesn't fit. The sleeves are too short and the length is too long. My old life fit just perfectly. The problem? It's gone. My old life is all the way gone. It hurts so much and I can't even explain that. I did this to myself...well part of it. I am the one that moved from the old place, I WANTED this. But I didn't lose my job on my own...nor did I lose my mom on my own...the rest of the bonehead moves that were made, I have to own up to. And I do.

Mark has changed jobs, and he seems pretty happy. I think this one will work well for him...and maybe we will survive financially. Maybe. We don't talk much anymore and I am only going from what I see here, not what I know. Yes, I am beginning to wonder if my marriage is going to be a casualty of the war within me, too.

My kids are all having issues and troubles and problems and it's all too much for me to deal with. Over the top...that's the only way to describe it. I am incapable of fixing or even helping. There has of course been one good thing happen recently..Janelle's baby has been determined "perfectly healthy"-well as much as can be since she is still less than five months along. For that, I thank God, as there has certainly been a miracle performed here. But I am ashamed to admit that even that wonderful news has been unable to melt the block of ice that I feel in my heart these days.

I have had, and apparently failed a least a gazillion job interviews. Because I still do not have a job. There is nothing comparable to the feeling that I am letting everyone down - financially, emotionally, sometimes even physically. For this old broad, admitting defeat is a gut wrenching and heart stopping thing to do. But I do. I give in, and give up.

I spend my days recently making everything seem perfectly normal. I am going through the motions...hoping that something will kick in. Other than crying. I cry alot. It's amazing, that one little thing like that can age a face in such huge proportions. But I am looking more like Hillary every day, these perpetual eye bags have taken up permanent residence...

Forgive the nature of this post. If I don't let it out, I'm going to scream. And we can't have that -- that might "compromise the integrity of the building". Sorry, private joke.

Love to all.

16 comments:

Kelly Jene said...

It's so good to hear from you! I've missed you. I'm sorry life is still so hard. I don't think you should be expecting so much from yourself. Not many people have so much happen to themselves in such a short time span.

I'm so happy to hear Janelle's baby is well. God is good.

I'm praying for you.

Brad said...

This is your space. There's no need to please here. No need to worry what others think. I'm glad to hear from you even if there's no happy news to share. We all get kicked around by life but were here to help and support eachother. Love you.

Smocha said...

I'm so happy to see that you're back. Your girlfriends WANT to hear from you, even when it's all bad.

What are friends for , right?

We should get together and have an online "under the eye bag" party.

Kind of like a big fun pity party. :)

I am also sporting the hundred year old cry face. It IS just lovely , I must say.

I'm sorry things are still sucky for you. But I do believe that isolateing, when one is in misery is the worst course of action.

Glad to hear the good news about the baby.

Keep your chin up, things will get better , eventually.


(((hugs)))
lena

Golden To Silver Val said...

I'm so very happy to hear the good news about the baby! Also happy to see you back. This has been a very hard year, but things will eventually get better....and "life goes on", as they say. Hang in there...we're all here for you...any time you need any of us. xxoo

fiwa said...

You know what, this is your space. If someone doesn't want to read, then let them stop reading. But those of us who care about you will still be around, even if all we can think of to say is that we love you or we are thinking about you. Do this for you - you must want to or you wouldn't be thinking about it so much. Sharing hurtful things lessens some of the pain. Even if it is just a tiny bit, it's still one little bit less. How about this - no expectations - write when you feel like it, don't when you don't.

I'm glad to hear that about Janelle's baby.

Love you -
fiwa

CRUSTYBEEF said...

whine, dine wine and sigh..like Brad said.
I'm just happy to hear words from you!!!! sorry about everything else..and then to finish it with a YAHOO for your grand=-- baby..
close your eyes for a moment, remove all your senses but your nose..
inhale and smell baby powder, and the smell of a newborn.

breath and I'll keep thinking AND praying for you!!!

love,
elizabeth

SOUL: said...

told ya so :P
ox

Summer said...

All is understood. Totally. If we put our two blocks of ice together maybe we can make a drink.

ac said...

I thought I left a message here this morning. I don't see it... so I must be crazy. Ha!

I said it was great to see you back. I also said that in my opinion, if anyone deserves blessings this season, it is you, my friend. Hugs. ac

desert dirt diva said...

I was so worried about you i even e-mailed soul to see if you were o.k. and well to se if i had pissed you off , then she explained what happened.....I'm sorry your going threw a rough time...congrats on the healthy baby!!! just 1 thing tho YOUR NOT a broad,that word is so demeaning its as bad as the c word.....your just a lady going threw only what your going threw....

BIG GIANT HUGS!

M Chickk said...

Good to see you back. I am really glad to hear the baby is okay. That is good news.

Things will eventually fall into place and get better for you. Until then, hang in. Easy for someone else to say, I know, but it is true. Just glad to see you back.

SOUL: said...

mornin ---
if i miss ya-- i have a dr appt. i'll catch ya later
ox

superjanel said...

i'm so happy to see you back here, even if you don't have your rubber chicken anymore.

you're right. your kids suck. (i know that's not what you said, at least in so few words but it's true.)

we're emotionally and physically (and financially) draining and i know we stress you out beynd belief. i can tell you that we don't mean to do so but then you're the first person i call when things turn to crap, as they often do. i guess what i'm getting at is that we need to learn to solve our problems ourselves and not call in the moment but maybe after we've figured things out and can laugh about how dumb we are and how stupid we acted.

by "we" i really mean "me" because i'm as bad an offender as the next kid if not worse because i'm the oldest.

and just so you know, you're not letting anyone down. in spite of the setbacks you're facing right now, i still think you're amazing. i'm proud of you. i happen to think you deserve a break (just not one so stressful).

it's okay to cry. and you can always talk to me, i'm here for you. don't give up, don't give in, don't call yourself a broad and never, ever compromise the integrity of the building.

i love you.

bonnie said...

I haven't blogged either, but I did happen to choose you to read this morning and I'm so glad. In times like you are experiencing, my friend Caryn always says "there must be a pony in this shit somewhere."

Cheryl said...

I've got tears in my eyes after reading all these comments. Here we are with open arms. Welcome back.

Dear Liza said...

Oh Cheryl, you are so, SO right. I have tears, too.

Bonnie - I HAD to laugh out loud at that, and I thank you.

Janelle, There are no words. :)

I must tell each of you once again, how very much you all mean to me. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You. :)