So, I quit blogging more than three weeks ago. The problem is, I am seriously missing the outlet that it provides. AND THE FRIENDS THAT I HAVE MADE HERE. My head knows I don't blog anymore, but my heart doesn't. I will come home from some event or happening or see something on tv and think "I need to be sure and write about this". And then, I'll remember that I don't DO that anymore. I'm not completely sure why I thought it better to quit, other than the deep despair I find myself in recently, and the lack of wanting to whine 24/7 here and run off all the people that mean so much to me. So, I ran you all of first, intentionally...I guess. Typical move for this old woman.
There are only a few days left until Christmas. You can see that by looking at this apartment, the tree is up (yes, that stupid looking corner tree) and the gifts are piled below...and beside and next to...because the damned thing is so tiny, there is nearly NO under at all. However, there is no Christmas for me in my heart this year. I am trying so hard, but it's forced and ugly and full of sadness and despair. The smarter side of me says that I have no right to feel this way...I have millions of blessings, and what is Christmas all about other than the birth of Jesus? Whether I feel it in my heart or not, that event took place and a celebration is necessary. But the stupid side of me begs to differ...
I have apparently been "dropped off" in someone else's life. It's a life I don't like and I want the comfort, albeit monotony, of my old life back. This new life that I am living doesn't fit. The sleeves are too short and the length is too long. My old life fit just perfectly. The problem? It's gone. My old life is all the way gone. It hurts so much and I can't even explain that. I did this to myself...well part of it. I am the one that moved from the old place, I WANTED this. But I didn't lose my job on my own...nor did I lose my mom on my own...the rest of the bonehead moves that were made, I have to own up to. And I do.
Mark has changed jobs, and he seems pretty happy. I think this one will work well for him...and maybe we will survive financially. Maybe. We don't talk much anymore and I am only going from what I see here, not what I know. Yes, I am beginning to wonder if my marriage is going to be a casualty of the war within me, too.
My kids are all having issues and troubles and problems and it's all too much for me to deal with. Over the top...that's the only way to describe it. I am incapable of fixing or even helping. There has of course been one good thing happen recently..Janelle's baby has been determined "perfectly healthy"-well as much as can be since she is still less than five months along. For that, I thank God, as there has certainly been a miracle performed here. But I am ashamed to admit that even that wonderful news has been unable to melt the block of ice that I feel in my heart these days.
I have had, and apparently failed a least a gazillion job interviews. Because I still do not have a job. There is nothing comparable to the feeling that I am letting everyone down - financially, emotionally, sometimes even physically. For this old broad, admitting defeat is a gut wrenching and heart stopping thing to do. But I do. I give in, and give up.
I spend my days recently making everything seem perfectly normal. I am going through the motions...hoping that something will kick in. Other than crying. I cry alot. It's amazing, that one little thing like that can age a face in such huge proportions. But I am looking more like Hillary every day, these perpetual eye bags have taken up permanent residence...
Forgive the nature of this post. If I don't let it out, I'm going to scream. And we can't have that -- that might "compromise the integrity of the building". Sorry, private joke.
Love to all.