Thursday, September 04, 2008

Unwritten Chapters

To say I am feeling crappy this morning would be an understatement. To be honest, I knew that this would probably get my mom, and kill her. I knew that it was time for her, and by that I mean for HER. She has been so sick and in pain for so long, anyone that loves her feels that for her sake it is time to send her onward. But I am shocked at how much this is going to hurt. All of my life, I have been responsible for her----no she certainly has never told me that, although at times, her actions have said it...but I have felt like it is up to me, to do everything I possibly can to make and keep my mother happy. My love for her knows no bounds and that's the truth. It goes so far beyond love into responsibility that I cannot even understand it, let alone explain it. Common sense has told me for quite some time to prepare myself for this, and yet, here I am, acting as though I had no clue. Don't worry - when the time comes, I will be alright. I am after all the practical one, the strong one. But this is going to suck. And because we still know so little about all of it, there are too many questions and no answers at this time. There will be a biopsy on Monday, along with a PET scan, and then we will know a whole lot more. She is quite sick with pneumonia and they need to get that a little more under control before they can truly know what they are dealing with. Whether I have six days or six more years with her, I will do my best to make them count. But more than anything, I don't want her to suffer any longer. She has had zero life for a long while now, and this is no way for anyone to live.

I have called my new job and put the training off for a bit, I go back in on Tuesday. I, of course had no time to even open the book that I was to have studied by this morning. Once we know what's happening, then I will have a clearer picture as to when and how and what. Then I can plan (a little) around all of this. Right now, she is in pain, but no more so than usual, and is still with it and happy to see me. This is the time to make count. Later, things probably won't be so easy, or at least that's the way it was with my dad. I do know that she will most likely opt for no treatment, that she feels too old and tired of being sick to prolong what she knows to be inevitable. As she put it yesterday, "I'm 73, how many more years can I expect..?" I understand her feelings and agree, it IS her decision. Both of my sisters feel the same way. We will all stand by what she wants and not make waves. I really wish my sisters lived closer, it feels like they are so far away. I hate the idea of leaving my mom alone right now, and her husband, Richard has to work. I will do my best to fill in the gap but with my inability to drive at night and living so far away, that will create problems. All I can do is the best that I can. All of my life when I lived down in podunk Iowa, everyone --- and I mean EVERYONE that ever went to the hospital ended up, up here in the Des Moines hospitals. And that meant driving for nearly two hours to get up here. Now that I LIVE up here, she will not---absolutely does not want to---be transferred up here. And so, now I drive two hours the other direction. Bah. And yet, I do understand her reluctance to be transferred, they wanted to put her in an ambulance and send her up yesterday, she refused. If you all remember, I think it was a year and a half ago, she was up here in the biggest hospital in the state, she had an artery repaired in her lower leg, and she nearly died with an infection. It was weeks before she could be released and then many, many more weeks of going to the hospital TWICE a day for iv antibiotics once she got back home to smalltownville....so who can blame her? But once again, I drive two hours to get there. Bah.

So, there you have it, yet another chapter coming in my life. I know that we all lose our parents, at least that is the way it is supposed to happen, they go first. And we all survive it, I know that. I will be fine, my sisters will be fine, and even though I worry about him, Richard will be fine. But damn, it hurts. Later.

17 comments:

Amanda said...

(((((((((Jamie))))))))))

Yes.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I am in tears after reading your post--your feelings were felt with every word, sentence, space and period--I can't imagine having to say goodbye to my mom and I can't imagine someone such as yourself having to go through this--and as much as you're strong I wish I could just bring you over some coffee and sit with you after a long hug---
if there is anything I can do--
your state isn't that far of a drive--I did the University of Iowa drive many times when siblings were their for college--I could help out however.

You are strong to hold it together and respect your mom's wishes,I think I'd be bawling on my mom's chest saying, 'come on, 73 is the new 40's" :)

much support to yu Jaime,
Elizabeth

Brad said...

Words fail me here, but know your in my thoughts.

M Chickk said...

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom's diagnosis. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but I know there isn't. Even when you know whats ahead of you, there is no bracing yourself for it. You can tell your head it's for the best, you don't want her to suffer, but your heart won't be so easy to convince. Hugs and prayers for your Mom, you and the rest of your family.

Mo said...

You are handling this with grace.

I am sure this goes without needing to say it, but be sure to let yourself feel what you need to along the way.

Don't be too strong or it might creep up on you when you least expect it.

Many hugs and love to you and your family. Prayers too.

SOUL: said...

you know i'm thinkin of you.
call or text if you want, or need to, ok.
hugs j
oxox

Portia said...

I'm sorry. Big hugs, Jamie.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Yes....it is the natural order of things and yet its so hard to accept. I am so sorry and my prayers will ask for strength for you and an easy passage for your mom. Much love coming your way dear friend, let it embrace you and soften the hurt....but feel comfort in the knowledge that her pain will be over. Love, Charlotte

abbagirl74 said...

Oh my goodness... I feel such immense pain for you. Jamie, you are so strong. I am so sorry and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers as all of you go through this difficult time. Your mother is a brave woman, as most moms are. We can all only dream about being so brave. Hugs sweetheart!

Mary said...

Jamie, I'm so sorry to hear this news. Yes, this will be very difficult but I know you will respect her decision. I'm thinking of you. I remember how hard it was to loose my mother. no preparation makes it earier - we're never ready. I'll be with you in spirit but since I'm writing from the road I don't know how often I will be able to post.

jyankee said...

My heart breaks for you...but be strong... things will turn out as they were meant to be....

ac said...

I don't know how, but I know you will get through this... Thinking about you tonight, my friend. ac

desert dirt diva said...

Jamie i am at a loss for words... i do know how you feel for your mom, my mom is the greatest...too.....I'm very sorry you have to go threw this..BIG HUGS!vicki

Gypsy said...

Dearest jamie,how my heart aches for you honey. None of us are ever readyto say goodbye and I live in dread of the day I will have to say my final farewells to my parents.

Please let yourself FEEL Jamie and don't always try to be the strong one. You have a right to your grief too and you need to let yourself BE however you need to be.

I am keeping you, your Mum and all your family safe in my heart and I'm hoping that all that can be done to keep your Mum from suffering too much will be done.

Terri said...

oh Jaime, my heart is breaking for you - again - I just spend a few minutes catching up on your blog posts from this week and I was all intent on saying "sorry about the television" and "starting the new job" but those sound so trivial now. I'm praying for your mom and your family and hope all goes well. Hugs to you!

The Real Mother Hen said...

Pain.
Sadness.
Emptiness.
I felt that after reading this.

*hugs* to you.

Cheryl said...

You're a wonderful daughter Jamie. The time ahead will be hard, as you know, but you won't regret any of it. I wish you and your family could get a reprieve. I'm thinking of you.