To say I am feeling crappy this morning would be an understatement. To be honest, I knew that this would probably get my mom, and kill her. I knew that it was time for her, and by that I mean for HER. She has been so sick and in pain for so long, anyone that loves her feels that for her sake it is time to send her onward. But I am shocked at how much this is going to hurt. All of my life, I have been responsible for her----no she certainly has never told me that, although at times, her actions have said it...but I have felt like it is up to me, to do everything I possibly can to make and keep my mother happy. My love for her knows no bounds and that's the truth. It goes so far beyond love into responsibility that I cannot even understand it, let alone explain it. Common sense has told me for quite some time to prepare myself for this, and yet, here I am, acting as though I had no clue. Don't worry - when the time comes, I will be alright. I am after all the practical one, the strong one. But this is going to suck. And because we still know so little about all of it, there are too many questions and no answers at this time. There will be a biopsy on Monday, along with a PET scan, and then we will know a whole lot more. She is quite sick with pneumonia and they need to get that a little more under control before they can truly know what they are dealing with. Whether I have six days or six more years with her, I will do my best to make them count. But more than anything, I don't want her to suffer any longer. She has had zero life for a long while now, and this is no way for anyone to live.
I have called my new job and put the training off for a bit, I go back in on Tuesday. I, of course had no time to even open the book that I was to have studied by this morning. Once we know what's happening, then I will have a clearer picture as to when and how and what. Then I can plan (a little) around all of this. Right now, she is in pain, but no more so than usual, and is still with it and happy to see me. This is the time to make count. Later, things probably won't be so easy, or at least that's the way it was with my dad. I do know that she will most likely opt for no treatment, that she feels too old and tired of being sick to prolong what she knows to be inevitable. As she put it yesterday, "I'm 73, how many more years can I expect..?" I understand her feelings and agree, it IS her decision. Both of my sisters feel the same way. We will all stand by what she wants and not make waves. I really wish my sisters lived closer, it feels like they are so far away. I hate the idea of leaving my mom alone right now, and her husband, Richard has to work. I will do my best to fill in the gap but with my inability to drive at night and living so far away, that will create problems. All I can do is the best that I can. All of my life when I lived down in podunk Iowa, everyone --- and I mean EVERYONE that ever went to the hospital ended up, up here in the Des Moines hospitals. And that meant driving for nearly two hours to get up here. Now that I LIVE up here, she will not---absolutely does not want to---be transferred up here. And so, now I drive two hours the other direction. Bah. And yet, I do understand her reluctance to be transferred, they wanted to put her in an ambulance and send her up yesterday, she refused. If you all remember, I think it was a year and a half ago, she was up here in the biggest hospital in the state, she had an artery repaired in her lower leg, and she nearly died with an infection. It was weeks before she could be released and then many, many more weeks of going to the hospital TWICE a day for iv antibiotics once she got back home to smalltownville....so who can blame her? But once again, I drive two hours to get there. Bah.
So, there you have it, yet another chapter coming in my life. I know that we all lose our parents, at least that is the way it is supposed to happen, they go first. And we all survive it, I know that. I will be fine, my sisters will be fine, and even though I worry about him, Richard will be fine. But damn, it hurts. Later.